Mass Defect
by Bubba3032
Summary: Mass Defect is a comedy based story revolving around Commander Shepard and his team of characters from various works of pop culture. Characters such as Soap Mactavish, Master Chief, and Prof. Oak all meet in a story loosely based on ME2's plot.
1. The Team

_Mass Defect_

A long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away… there was a land known as Mordor. In Mordor, in the fires of Mount DooM, Lord Sauron forged a Master Ring… One Ring to rule them all. Lord Sauron did not work alone however, as he had many friends.

Far above Mordor, in orbit of the planet Middlearth, the SSV2.5 Normandy drifted quietly. At its helm sat an Alliance man known as Joker, as well as an AI called EDI. As usual, the two were amidst an argument. Behind them and through the armory stood Commander Shepard. Shepard was the leader of this "Suicide Mission" to stop Sauron. To succeed, he assembled the best team from around the Multiverse.

First on his list was the Assassin. His name was Ezio Auditore d'Firenze. He was a talented Renaissance assassin previously in service of the Creed. He spoke with a strong Italian accent, and was easily confused by Shepard's technology.

Second was planned to be The Master Thief. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen events, Master Thief was killed while trying to return her to the Normandy. But in a stroke of luck, a green, armor-clad soldier stepped out of the bushes and offered to join the team. Ironically, he called himself Master Chief, and rarely spoke after that. He is able to take a beating and is a master of arms.

Third on the list was the Rainbow Officer. Serving as a Captain for the Rainbow Counter-Terrorist Group Logan Keller is an experienced soldier and commander. He loves helicopters and silencers and will certainly be of great assistance to Shepard's mission.

Keller brought along one of his Operatives named Gabriel Nowak. He is a likable, confident, rookie that constantly assures his team that he can be trusted.

Next is a rough-looking, angry, and truly immense soldier. He is listed as the Convict and goes by the name Marcus Fenix. He informed Shepard that his last name is not a misspelling and that it looks really cool. Shepard was not convinced, but allowed him on the team saying he reminded him of Krogan. Fenix's imprisonment was supposedly due to his cowardice in battle, and need to run to his daddy when a locust attacked his position. This leaves one to wonder how a bug could be so scary.

The sixth team mate was the Veteran. He said his name was Solid Snake, but Shepard doubted anyone would name their kid Solid. Snake is skilled, ruthless, and specializes in sneaking around with his silenced USP .45.

Then there was the Professor. Shepard found an old man in a lab named Professor Oak. He claimed to be a Pokemon master and an all-round genius. His white lab coat was all it took for Shepard to believe him.

The Warlord ended up being Soap Mactavish, a Scottish special forces officer formerly in command of TF141. His skills as a leader and a soldier are bound to be useful. He is also known to be able to summon AC130's if he gets an 11 kills streak.

One of the last on the list was the Ace. After a biotic Justicar could not be located for the job, TIM decided to give Shepard a replacement dossier. The Ace was a talking Fox known for his ability to fly an Arwing. Unfortunately, it is unconfirmed whether he can fly anything at Shepard's disposal, considering there was no way to get an Arwing on board. He was Starfox.

Finally, their was a dossier for Billie. This replaced one for Tali, after Tali was reaccepted into the Migrant Fleet and decided not to join Shepard. Billie has no combat skills, biotic ability, or tech specialization. He does have a guitar with a sniper rifle built into it, however aiming it can be difficult due to the lack of any sighting feature at all.

With Shepard's team assembled in the communications room, Shepard finally spoke.

"Hello. I am Commander Shepard. Some of us have been through a lot together… I've been with you on missions, I even did extra to convince some of you to join me. Now I will require you all for this mission. It will be hard, and we might not be coming back. In addition-"

"Dude, what? Might not be coming back? How long has that been a part of this?" Billie asked, rising from his seat.

"Uh, since I told you it was a Suicide Mission," Shepard said slowly.

"Oh… well then… As long as you do my loyalty mission I'll be good. Otherwise I'mma gonna make someone else die on the mission with me," Billie said.

"You're out of line Billie! Straighten up or you'll be gone!" Shepard yelled, gaining 2 Renegade points.

"Yeah, whatever," Billie said, sinking back into his seat.

"Anyway. In addition to the primary mission, I do plan to take each of you out on ONE personal favor. As Billie stated, they will be called Loyalty Missions, and after I help you with it, you have to be at 100 percent for the mission. Okay?"

The members of the team looked around, some nodding.

Soap raised his hand, "Hey boss. Can you remind me why we're working for Al Qaeda?"

"Well, after I was killed, Osama raised the funds to bring me back. He went under the name TIM, to disguise himself, then he hired a team of scientists and now I'm here."

"So, we are working for terrorists because they had the money to revive you? That's bloody fantastic," Soap said sarcastically. "Next mission after this is probably bombing the US, eh?"

"Well y'know… I once considered bombing the Eiffel Tower. I think I might like these guys," Billie admitted.

Snake stood up and approached Billie. He lifted him out of his seat by his shirt collar and stared angrily at him.

"You… You Terrorist! You REBEL! I kill the likes of you all the time," Snake roared.

Shepard glanced at his dialogue options and noticed that his Renegade was too low for the option siding with both.

"Arg… stupid dialogue options… Snake, put him down. I can't have my crew threatening each other."

"But sir, he's… he's a criminal," Snake pleaded, slowly lowering Billie.

Billie smiled and stuck his tongue out and flicked it around like a snake's in direct insult to Snake. Snake clenched his fist but returned to his seat.

"Now. Let's move on," Shepard continued.

"Hey Shep. When do we eat?" Marcus groaned. "I'm hungry… a lot of hungry."

"Not now Fenix, we're busy," Shepard answered, adding another two Renegade points.

"SHEPARD! Must feed! I'm getting angry! You won't like me when-" Marcus started.

"Marcus. Marcus, listen now. I'm just going to end this now. Everyone. Go eat, do what you want. Just don't kill each other. I'll pick two of you for a mission in a bit," Shepard announced, using a Paragon interrupt.

As everyone files out of the room, Shepard remains, thinking about his first conference with his "Great Team". When Osama asked if he thought the team building was working, Shepard had originally said "Yes", but he wasn't so sure it was staying that way.

"Its so hard to be a Renegade," Shepard mumbled to himself, thinking back to how he handled that last situation. "I could have told that fat chunk of meat to shut up and wait for me to finish through Renegade, but no. I just _had _to give in. The blue font is just so much prettier than the red."

Shepard pressed some keys and the table in the middle descended into the floor. He stepped forward and a holographic detector surround him. Suddenly, he saw himself in a dark bunker, with a picture of the sun on one wall. Osama Bin Laden sat in a chair wearing a foot tall turban and green, woodland camo. "Why does he always wear green in the desert?" Shepard wondered to himself.

"Shepard. I see you have assembled the entire team. Billie was the last of my dossiers. Are you ready for the mission?" Osama asked in a thick Arabian accent.

"Not yet. I still need to gain their loyalty so that I can get the No One Left Behind achievement for 125 G."

"Loyalty? Achievements? Survivors? Shepard, it's a suicide mission. I've spent five years as a suicide bomber, and not once did I concern myself with surviving. Its not how it works. And look how I turned out! More people know my name than the guy who invented the Internet! LOL!" Osama explained.

"I guess you're right. But still, they really want me to do Loyalty Missions. I promised them."

"I promised the Americans I'd give their Stinger Missiles back after the Afghan War, but I didn't do that! Learn from the pros Shepard."

"I can't betray them Osama! I just can't do it. I'll do your stupid suicide mission later!" Shepard yelled, gaining eight Paragon points and disconnecting.

"ROFL!" Osama yelled, falling out of his chair while his turban stays perfectly in place.

Shepard marched to the Normandy's Galaxy Map and plotted a course to Middlearth, even though they were already orbiting it, due to the fact that it was the only way to have the option to land.

The intercom opened up and Shepard thought about who to pick for his squad. He had to pick carefully, as he wasn't sure what he could find on the planet. He finally picked Starfox and Marcus to take ashore. As he hopped on the shuttle, EDI began the routine announcement.

"Commanding officer is now ashore. XO Pressly has the deck."

"Wait, Pressly? He died on the first Normandy! This doesn't make sense!" Shepard wailed as the shuttle descended toward Middlearth.

When the shuttle finally landed there was a small village on the side of a volcano. Marcus judged it safe to land, so the team landed on the Cliffside. The group hopped out and approached the townspeople. A short man on a horse approached the threesome.

"Hello," Shepard said.

"What business does a beast, a man, and a fox have in Kakariko?" the man asked.

"I'm a Spectre," Shepard said, hoping in vain that it would gain Renegade points.

"What is a UN Spectre doing in Middlearth?"

"Don't ask, don't tell," Shepard replied.

"Chief Darunia will not be happy. We thought you could destroy the King Dodongo, but instead, you confuse us with discord?"

A large brown boulder-like figure approached the party and then curled up, groaning.

"What the-" Shepard said.

"That is a Goron. They are native to Death Mountain."

"Death Mountain? Like Mount DooM but different?"

"Yes, exactly like that. But instead of a Ring, we have a key to the Temple of Time hidden in Fire Temple."

"Listen Pal, you and your Goron friend's should come up with more creative names than _Death Mountain _and _Fire Temple_. Geez, they are so generic," Shepard yelled, gaining four Renegade points.

The short man on a horse began to cry and the Goron unfolded only to let loose a horrendous scream.

"Oh no, what have I done. Why did I pick the Renegade option? Why! There isn't even a 'I'm sorry' option. Dang."

"Hey Shep! I know the Goron's Lullaby. Good thing you brought me. La la la la!" Fenix sang deeply.

Though the singing was atrocious, both the short man and the Goron ceased crying.

"You know the Lullaby? You must go see Darunia! He hasn't come out in weeks saying only the one who knows the lullaby can get in! He drove his own son up the wall… literally. He's spinning around the upper story, so watch out."

"Thanks. I should go," Shepard said, ending the conversation.

The party ran through the village toward the cliff. As they approached a gate, Shepard caught a glimpse of an ominous well. A passerby suddenly was pulled in by a shadowy hand.

"No!" Shepard called, running for the well. When he looked down, the well was empty, no sign of the civilian or the hand. "Hmm, Perhaps I am seeing things," he decided returning to the gate.


	2. Hyrule

Chapter 2

Hyrule

When he reached the gate, there was a spear-wielding guard blocking the path.

"Excuse me, I need to go speak with Darunia."

"Hey man, my son, it's his birthday tomorrow, and I don't get off guard duty. Ever. He loves masks, perhaps you could pick me up a mask? How about you pick one up. He'll want the Keaton mask. It looks a bit like your fox friend there. Yes very much like that but yellow," the guard pleaded.

Shepard observed his dialogue options. The Renegade option was an action, ripping off Starfox's face and giving it to the guard, the Paragon option was grayed out, saying that Professor Oak could provide a Pikachu.

"Gah! Why didn't I bring Oak! Ok. I'll go get your mask," Shepard accepted angrily.

"Really? Oh Thank you! The mask store is in Hyrule Market!"

"Oh my, for real? The Market? That's WAY over there," Shepard said, having second thoughts about not choosing the Renegade action.

"Yes. Now go get my mask!"

"Are you sure there is nowhere closer?"

"Yes. Now go get my mask!"

"Can I just find one on the ground?

"Yes. Now go get my mask!"

"Fine. Since you obviously ran out of variant dialogue," Shepard said plainly.

"Yes. Now go get my mask!" the guard repeated.

Shepard and his party moved away from the guard and down a long flight of stairs. At the base was a tremendous field and a small river. The group passed over the bridge and in the distance stood a mighty castle.

"Hyrule Castle. Let's go," Shepard stated epically.

As they began charging across the open field toward the castle, the sun suddenly dropped behind the planet, plunging Middlearth into darkness. The ground shook, and reanimated skeletal corpses rose from the ground.

"Ambush!" Shepard yelled, drawing his M8 Avenger Assault Rifle.

"We'a surrounduuud! Back to back!" Marcus yelled.

"You're right!" Shepard acknowledged backing into a small circle with the other two. The skeletal men seemed to approach in slow motion as each man placed their shots and downed their targets. Shepard took off one's head with a burst from his assault rifle. Fox carefully placed laser pistol headshots, downing his foes. Suddenly, Marcus broke from the line and powered up his under barrel chainsaw.

"VROOM VROOM!" He chanted with ecstasy as he tore through the bones of the last skeleton.

"All clear," Fox said.

"Good work team," Shepard commented.

They proceeded to the large wooden drawbridge to Hyrule castle and walked across. The moment they entered there was a man in green bashing the floor with his hands as if in worship.

"Rupees! I need Rupees!" the beggar cried, continuing to hit the ground.

"Hmm," Shepard thought. "Should I go with 'Do Credits work' or 'Get a hold of yourself'?"

"This man needs help Shepard," Fox said.

"Do Credits work?" Shepard asked, gaining two Paragon points.

"Credits? No! I need Rupees! Tingle only accepts Rupees for his maps!" the beggar called.

"Ok, ok. I don't have any.

"What? No Rupees! I'll hold on to any extras you find! You know, like a bank!" the man yelled.

"Right, I'll remember that. And you don't have to yell at me. I hear you fine."

"OKAY!" he screamed.

The man was certainly odd. His hat was pulled down in such a way that his eyes were impossible to see.

"I should go," Shepard said calmly, walking away from the man and into the market.

As soon as they entered the market a happy tune filled the air, inspiring joy in all who heard it. Small puppies ran around, chased by children. There were shops everywhere in small stands. Then he saw it. The Happy Mask shop. They entered the shop to see a strange man in a purple coat behind the counter. He had orange hair and a devilish grin.

"Hi, I was looking for a Keaton Mask. Do you have any?" Shepard asked.

"Hehehe… Of course I do," the Happy Mask Salesman said.

"How much?"

"15 Rupees!" the salesman announced.

"Can I use credits? Their universal," Shepard questioned.

"No. I only accept Rupees."

"Oh great. You have got to be kidding. Osama gave me 10,000 credits in Al Qaeda funding for this mission, and I can't use any of it?" Shepard yelled angrily.

"Perhaps… if you could go sell these four masks for me, I could lend you this Keaton Mask."

"Or perhaps you could sell me the mask and we not ask any more favors," Shepard said firmly, pointing his pistol at the Happy Mask Salesman. His bold move gained him ten Renegade points.

"Ok, Ok, Ok! Don't hurt me. 15 of your credits for the mask. Here," the Mask Sales man said frantically.

He slid the mask across the counter as Shepard reached out his hand and grabbed it. He put it over Fox's face and smiled, then added it to his 150 item inventory. A message popped up on his HUD warning him that he is running close to his limit.

"What? How? I have like six items in there."

When Shepard opened it, he found about 140 items that he didn't remember finding himself. Angrily, he reduced them all to Omni-gel.

"Alright, let's go. I'm ready now," Shepard said.

Due to a lack of fast travel, they ran back through the town, across the field, and up the stairs. They finally reached the top and approached the guard.

"Hey, hey, hey! Look who it is. My good 'ol goph- erm… Friend! Yeah buddy, you got the mask?" the guard asked.

"Yes. Take it."

"Yeah thanks man. I can't thank you enough. How about I give you some of these Magic Beans. You can plant them and a plant will grow. Then, if you put water on it, you can fly. It's great."

"Yeah… Uh, thanks."

"No problem man, you did such a big favor for me. That's the least I can do," the guard replied.

"I agree," Shepard said. "I should go."

The party charged up the mountain, ignoring the huge spider-like creatures that jumped around. As he was running, he fell in a hole.

"Moooooo."

"Why is there a cow down here? Just… why? How?"

"Hey Shep. Step jump!" Marcus yelled, reaching down his tremendous hand. He grasped Shepard and ripped him out of the hole.

"Thanks, it was dark down there," Shepard said, proceeding up the trail.

At last they came upon a large opening. After entering, they heard the most horrendously annoying music ever created. It was a constant series of drums, beats, and scratches. The strange Gorons rolled around and unfolded at random. In the center, suspended by ropes, was a seemingly pointless chandelier with no lights.

"This must be Goron City. Let's find Darunia," Fox said.

"Wooow. These Go-rons are ah-most as big as me," Marcus said in complete amusement.

As the group moved down a story a fast moving Goron, likely Darunia's son, rolled past, almost killing Fox. Every time they passed a Goron, whether they wanted anything to do with it or not, it uncurled, moaning. Then, as soon as they were away from it, it just curled back up, making the same moan but inversed. When they arrived at the large stone door on the first story, there were odd plants around it with bombs growing out.

"What the heck are those?" Shepard asked.

"Bombs. I don't like bombs," Fox admitted.

Marcus stepped forward, ripping them both off the walls simultaneously, then through them skyward. There were two explosions, followed by the sound of tearing rope. The team looked up to see the chandelier held up by an intact rope and two burning ones. The two began to grow thin and soon snapped, dropping the stone decoration rapidly.

"RUN!" Fenix yelled, bashing in Darunia's stone door.

Shepard and Fox followed him in and saw a large Goron with a beard. A massive thud shook the ground and dust flew in behind them. Darunia's face twitched with anger.

"What are you doing in my hut?" he asked.

"Uh, we were told to… Marcus, sing the lullaby," Shepard said.

"Okay Shep. La la la la!" Marcus roared.

"Hmm. I prefer something with a faster beat. You know, like Saria's Song. But I guess this will do. I kinda like it. It's… yeah it's pretty good," he said, starting to dance.

"Now, I overheard your friends talking about a King giving you troubles," Shepard said.

"Yes, yes. King Dodongo . That fire-breathing monster has been keeping us from eating the boulders at our feeding grounds."

"So there is some strong-worded tyrant taking over your lands?" Shepard asked.

"Yes, so to speak. You must kill him or we will inevitably starve to death. Can you do it?" Darunia questioned hopefully.

"Sure, maybe I could just talk some sense into him."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

"Hmm, Investigate. Why can't you just eat the boulders in this cave?" Shepard asked.

"Absurd! We would collapse our roof and chandelier upon our heads!"

"Right. About that… Uh… Does the King have guards?"

"Duh! He has Beamos and more Dodongos," Darunia said.

"I should go," Shepard murmured.

"Okay, just use my secret tunnel here to get there faster. I usually only go to the Fire Temple with it, but I can go anywhere in Death Mountain through there, so have at it."

Shepard and Fox slipped into the small tunnel, but when Marcus tried to follow, his immense size caused him to struggle.

"Shep! It hurts!" he called out, dragging his excess body mass across the jagged rocks.

"Quiet foo," Shepard ordered for two Renegade points.

After as many as ten minutes of maneuvering the tunnel the party emerged in Dodongo Cavern. Slowly, even Marcus ripped his body from the hole and onto the ground. He stayed there, panting, for several minutes before he was ready to proceed.

"Interesting that they call this place Dodongo Cavern when there aren't supposed to be any of them here," Fox said.

An odd tower with an eye on the top stood at the end of the hall facing the opposite direction. On the back was a piece of paper taped on that said "Bomb Me".

"Ok. I will," Shepard said, reading the sign.

He pulled out a grenade and tossed it, detonating it on impact with the eye. The eye exploding, leaving smoke billowing from it. They ran beyond the remains of the Beamos to see a lava pit. Within, several large, green, two-legged dinosaurs marched around.

"What the?" Shepard asked.

Then they heard a high pitch voice behind them.

"Hello? Listen. Listen! Hello? Hey! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Hello?" it said.

Behind them stood a small boy in green with blonde hair. He had a glowing orb flying near him.

"What? Don't you know about the Dodongo? It moves slowly, so you can circle around to its backside. Got that?" the orb said.

"Who are you?" Shepard asked.

"I'm Navi and this is Link. I'm a fairy! I'm useful! Kay? Listen!" it rambled.

"We better keep movin'" Shepard said.

Shepard aimed his gun and unleashed a flurry into the back of one of the Dodongos. It quickly toppled over, clearly no threat to the team's armament. They might still be tough for that Link kid though.

The group ran effortlessly through the cavern killing off any Dodongos in the way with relative ease. They eventually found a skull of a long dead Dodongo that was tremendous beyond belief. They made its eyes glow red, which somehow opened up the door in its mouth, allowing them passage. Finally they arrived at the area being held as the throne room. Before them stood a Dodongo several times larger than any they had seen yet with the exception of the skull that had just walked through.

"HEY! King Dodongo! I expected you to be human, but perhaps we can talk logic?" Shepard asked it.

It roared loudly in response.

"Shep, there is no logic to talkin' logic. Let's shoot it," Fenix suggested, opening fire.

"Hey! Listen! Listen! Watch out! This is a huge Dodongo that eats anything! Give it a shock, then finish it off with your sword!" Navi called out.

Looking back, Shepard noticed that Link had somehow caught up to them and had his sword ready. He looked at them and nodded.

"Ideas?" Shepard asked Link.

He nodded silently.

"What are they?"

He shook his head violently.

"This kid ever talk?" Shepard asked Navi.

"Hey! Never. He was raised by a tree after all."

"Right. Oh! I have an idea. Marcus, toss some 'nades in its mouth," Shepard ordered.

"O-KAY!" he said in easy agreement.

He pulled out a contraption that looked more like a flail than a grenade and slung it around. He then loosed it into the monster's mouth, shocking it. Link darted forward, trying to slash its tail in back. The monster groaned as it was slashed by Link's sword and was shot by many guns. Then it spun rapidly, knocking Link into the lava, incinerating him.

"Dang, we lost the kid," Shepard grunted.

To his surprise, a fairy like Navi rose out of him and brought his burnt corpse back to full health and out of the lava. Again Marcus threw a grenade into the beast's mouth and it belched out fire. Link approached it again and repeated his last move.

"Ha! Hya! Heah! Ha! Ha!" Link screamed, hacking its tail.

Then the ground shook violently. Marcus slung another grenade towards its mouth, missing and stabbing out its eye. The explosion ripped apart the eye, and for reasons unknown, the entire Dodongo disintegrated into a heart.

"Wow. That is… lame," Shepard said.

Then a mysterious beam surrounded them, teleporting them to Darunia's room.

"How did that just- Oh hey Darunia. He's dead," Shepard said.

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" he called.

Darunia swung his fist and pounded it into Shepard's face. Shepard fell over, unconscious as Darunia ran to go eat.


	3. DLC: Eclipse

Shepard awoke back on the Normandy, in his captain's quarters. All was quiet on the top story of the Normandy. He needed a mission. Not just any mission would suffice though, he needed a loyalty mission. He rushed to the elevator and waited through realistic elevator times as the slow moving machine descended to the Combat Information Center. He exited the elevator and entered the Lab where he saw Professor Oak working on something.

"Hey Oak. How are things in the Lab?"

"Al Qaeda has given me quite a lot to work with," Oak said in an elderly voice.

"I wanted to talk about you," Shepard said.

"Well, I have a lot to tell about. There is this boy… Ash. He's close to me and well… he's been off on his own Pokemon adventure. I sent him a message through the private terminal on the PC's scattered around Kanto, but… no response! I'm afraid that blasted Team Rocket has gotten him," Oak said with a concerned frown.

"Alright, I can help. What planet is Kanto on?"

"Why, how about I just upload the coordinates for an easy landing too!" Oak said excitedly.

"Sounds good."

"I can't thank you enough for doing this. It is so important to me and we must be fast," Oak said.

"I'll go plot a course," Shepard said.

He left the room and approached the Galaxy Map.

"You have new messages at your Private Terminal," EDI said.

"Oh, okay," Shepard said, opening it first.

At the top of the terminal was a message from Bioware. It stated: "New DLC Available! Includes three new missions, and a new squad mate. If you pre-ordered Mass Defect your DLC will be at a reduced price if you enter the 50-digit code located on your user manual. Using any keyboard will void your discount. Starting price 1200 Microsoft Points."

"Whoa… I must have this," Shepard said. "Joker! Plot a course for the Local Cluster. We're headin' to Earth. I need some Microsoft Points."

"Affirmative, plotting course. But Commander… what do you need those for?" Joker asked.

"D. L. C." Shepard said slowly.

When the Normandy came into orbit of Earth, Shepard's excitement had built substantially. He was already standing at the Galaxy Map when Joker gave him the green light to land. He had already thought about who to bring and had decided on Solid Snake and Ezio. He had thought about Oak, considering what happened last time, but he couldn't let him know another mission had come between them. Plus, what are the chances of him needing Oak for another side quest?

The team descended to the planet, with Shepard overflowing with joy.

"I wonder what it will be about?" he asked excitedly.

"Shepard. I still don't fully understand what this DLC is. Could you elaborate for me?" Ezio asked.

"DLC is Downloadable Content. It expands what you have and makes it way better for a fraction of the game's starting cost."

"Impressive. I wish I had more DLC. I did find an extra Bonfire mission after a while though. Perhaps it was some of this DLC?" Ezio asked.

"Perhaps, but I can't be sure."

They arrived on Earth and Shepard immediately scurried to the nearest GameStop. Once there he purchased his Microsoft Points and started his download. He patiently waited for the next thirty minutes, when finally, a message popped up informing him his DLC was complete. He checked his Journal and found that a new mission had appeared called _Eclipse_.

"Hmm… The Eclipse mercs must be up to something. Go to Northwest United States and look for Edward. Sounds easy enough," Shepard said, hopping aboard his shuttle.

The team took off, heading for the destination listed in his Journal. When they arrived, it was a heavily forested region, with several large cliffs.

"This is very exciting," Shepard stated.

They landed and exited the shuttle. A pale man in a long coat stood before them.

"Hello. Welcome to Forks, Washington. I am Edward. Edward Cullen," the pale man said.

"Alright. Mind if I call you Eddy?" Shepard asked.

"Yes. Now please. Come with me," he said.

"So is that a yes to calling you Eddy? Or a yes to minding?" Shepard asked.

"No."

"Whatev' Eddy. I don't understand you."

The group entered the woods with Edward leading the pack.

"There is a girl named Bella out here. I love her dearly. As does my Jacket. The problem is this man… some tribal native boy. He is vying equally for her love. I hate him. Name's Jacob. He is a… a… werewolf."

"Ha! A werewolf! You expect me to believe he is a werewolf?" Shepard asked.

"Well. You defeated Saren, and Sovereign. And you… explore space, meet aliens. I thought you'd be open to everything," Edward stated.

"Show me a picture," Shepard said.

Edward pulled out a picture of a man transforming into a wolf.

"That has SO been 'shopped. Show me a vid."

Edward extracted a camera from his pocket and hit play. The same man ran quickly across a field, then transformed into a giant wolf.

"Movie magic."

"Its… still on the camera. This was not edited."

"Hmm. Let's meet him. Then we'll see," Shepard said.

"That's just it. I need you to kill him so that I can have Bella. Mm-kay?" Edward instructed.

"Yeah, okay. We'll do it." Shepard said.

"Oh great!"

"This is my specialty, where is our target?" Ezio asked.

"He and his gang live up by that totem pole on the mountainside. They find great joy in hopping off the edge into the water. They won't be ready for you then. Go, go get them," Edward said excitedly.

"On it," Shepard said.

His team moved along a curvy path that climbed the mountain. As they neared the top they saw a cabin, likely the one where the wolves lived.

"Okay, Ezio, be ready," Shepard ordered.

"Si,"Ezio said, climbing onto the roof and hanging over the doorway.

"Snake, stack up," Shepard instructed, each moving to either side of the door.

"Breach and clear?" Snake asked.

"Affirmative. If they try to escape, Ezio will get 'em."

Snake equipped a breaching charge and stuck it on the door. An explosion ensued, shredding the door. In slow motion Snake moved in firing several silenced rounds at the nearest man. Thought the bullet was moving in slow-motion, the man transformed into a werewolf normal speed and leaped at Snake. One round connected with the wolf while it tackled Snake to the ground. Shepard blasted its head with his illegally obtained M22 Eviscerator Shotgun. Its head exploded, leaving brain matter all over Snake's face. Another wolf was fast approaching, but one of them bashed through the wall and tried to escape. Jacob.

"Guess they really are wolves, eh Snake?" Shepard said. "Ezio! We have a runner, far side."

"On it, Messer," Ezio said leaping from the roof and landing directly behind the fleeing Jacob.

As Shepard and Snake held off Jacob's crew, Ezio began to gain on Jacob. Chasing those Borja Couriers and thieves around the streets of Italy had made Ezio extremely quick. Ezio came within two feet of the massive wolf when suddenly it jumped, diving off the cliff into the water. Ezio, already moving too fast to stop flew off after it, panicking in an unexpected moment of weightlessness. As he fell he tried to steady his arm equipped with the prototype gun. He lined up a shot, but was uncertain whether he could make it connect at these speeds. The pair grew ever nearer to the waterline. Ezio fired, the moment that the two crashed into the water. He pushed his way back to the surface of the water and saw Jacob trailing blood toward the shore. Ezio swam as fast as he could in an attempt to catch up, but simply wasn't as fast as Jacob when it came to swimming.

On the shore there was a woman waiting by a rusty truck. Ezio looked back up to the top of the cliff and saw Shepard and Snake watching him. They then disappeared from sight, likely trying to catch up with him. Looking back, Jacob had reached shore and returned to human form. He embraced the figure in a hug and watched as Ezio came to shore. Ezio finally pulled himself out of the water and onto the beach. Shepard and Snake were running down the hill. Behind Jacob, Edward had appeared out of nowhere.

Ezio paced back and forth, staring at Jacob. Shepard finally reached them and looked around.

"Eddy? What are you doing here?" he asked.

"No time Shepard, we've got him," Edward responed.

"What do ya want from me?" Jacob asked.

"I want you dead. Shepard here will make sure that happens," Edward replied.

"I don't want either of you killed!" Bella screamed.

Edward showed his fangs and Jacob turned back into a werewolf.

"Shepard, take the shot," Edward said.

"No! Don't!" Bella yelled.

A Renegade action started flashing on his HUD. He knew he could end this now, but just couldn't do it. Shepard waited. It stopped flashing. Jacob leaped onto Edward and tore off his Jacket. The Jacket flew to the ground, torn by Jacob's massive claws.

"Stop! I never wanted this!" Bella cried.

She then glanced over at Edward's Jacket on the ground.

"Oh, he's not after you is he?" she asked the Jacket.

It rose from the ground and wrapped its arms around her. Bella put it on casually and started walking off.

"Bye boys, good luck," she said, disappearing into the forest.

"What… just happened?" Shepard asked.

"Sir, I think the Jacket was an animate object, and neither of those two boys were ever of concern to her. Something bad happened to my father. I didn't respond like that," Snake said, looking at Shepard.

Jacob was still ripped Edward apart mercilessly.

"Oh crud! Edward is my new squad mate and he's being eaten!" Shepard yelled in an alert tone.

He stepped forward and ripped Jacob off of the body of Edward. He was dead.

"Oh, so if I don't take the Renegade action, I choose to have you join me, right Jacob? Like with Samara and Morinth?" Shepard asked.

"No. You killed my people. I will spare your life, but never join you. Goodbye Shepard," Jacob said as he returned to human form.

"Wait, so I don't get a new teammate now?"

"Correct," Jacob said, running into the forest after Bella.

Shepard pressed B to end the mission.

Back on the Normandy Shepard searched the extranet for information on the DLC. He found an interesting article that he thought might answer the question.

_Posted by: Justin Time_

_15 minutes ago_

_Hey guys, me again. 2day I purchased the new DLC for Mass Defect. My initial thoughts r that 4 some it will b a big waste of money, and 4 others, it'll be gr8. 4 starters, there is only a possibility that u will even get the new squadm8. A __**move**__ on Bioware's part. There will b a RI during a scene with Edward, Jacob, and Bella, and if u don't choose it, u don't get Edward. Basically, he's being ripped apart by this werewolf, and u can shoot the werewolf off. There was supposed to b 3 missions in the dlc, but if u fail 2 perform the RI then the 2nd__ 2 missions are cancelled. If u are a renegade character, then u are 1337. So much so that u will have no problem with this. If u r a lame-o paragon character, u will likely miss the opportunity to finish the dlc. I have tried replaying it 4 times now and no all the wayz it can result. Thanks 4 reading n00bs. Laterz._

"No, this can't be. What have I done? This… this madness? I wasted the DLC? The choice is made!" Shepard lamented. "I must never buy DLC again! Or… at least not this year. Nah, maybe for the rest of the week. Yeah, that's reasonable. No more DLC for a week."


	4. Soapemon

Chapter 4

Soapemon

Shepard decided it was at last time to perform Oak's loyalty mission, hopefully without him ever knowing a mission had come between them.

"Joker! Take us to Kanto region," Shepard called.

"On it Commander, we'll be there in no time."

When they arrived in orbit around Planet Japan, Shepard was surprised to see that the entire planet was covered with water, and that there was only one land mass. The land mass was a super-sized version of Japan, that apparently had Pokemon scattered about it. Shepard starting thinking over who to pick for this mission. As usual, he put great thought into it, and finally decided… Soap.

As they descended to the planet in their shuttle, Oak looked toward Shepard with a bright grin.

"Thank you so much for doing this for me Shepard. The way you didn't let anything come between us and now we're going to rescue Ash… It has greatly increased my already sizable respect for you Commander," he said.

Shepard couldn't tell whether Oak was being serious or if he was being sarcastic. If by some miracle he hadn't heard about the DLC mission, or even heard his screams of pain when the DLC failed, then Shepard by all means wanted to keep it that way.

"Yeah… Thanks Prof. Anything for a squad mate."

"Oh, I know. That's what makes you great Shepard," Oak said excitedly.

Nope, he didn't know.

At last they arrived on the planets surface. The shuttle lights went out and it all felt dark. Shepard stepped out to see a happy woman standing in front of him.

"I'm so proud of you! You've finally grown up and are heading out on your first Pokemon adventure!"

Shepard tried to reply, but found that he was mute.

"I am proud to call you my son. You should go talk to Professor Oak to get your starter!" she said.

"Well, since I'm standing right here," Oak started. "Shepard, I present to you, your first makeshift Pokemon. Soap."

Soap mouthed something angrily, but he too seemed to be muted.

"So, who did you pick? Charmander? Bulbasaur? Squirtle? Oh I'm so proud of you son!" the lady said. "Here, take these running shoes. They will let you run!"

Shepard thought about that a moment. Could he not already run? What about these shoes allowed him to run? Was this some low-rent shoe slogan?

"Well, good luck! I'm sure you'll do great out there!" the lady screamed.

Finally, Shepard was released from the annoying woman's grasp. In addition, he could finally speak for himself.

"Who was that?" he asked Oak.

"That was… your mom," Oak replied.

"Dude, that joke's not even funny anymore," Shepard replied.

"Its not a joke Shepard. Here, she is your mom."

"And the running shoes? Really? Why?" Shepard asked.

"Nintendo Logic. I can't say anything more on the matter. Anyway, let us carry on. We must find Ash quickly," Oak said.

The party proceed out of the town and into a tall patch of grass. Before long a giant rat appeared and leaped toward Soap. Soap kicked it in the face, sending it flying back. Then he unloaded half a mag form his M4 into the animal. It tipped over, dead, without losing a drop of blood.

"Soap, that's not how-," Oak began when he was interrupted.

Out of nowhere, a large team of black clad people in safari hats burst out and surround them.

"You have just killed a Pokemon. That is an unacceptable action. As Rangers of the Safari Zone, we pledged that the only physical harm we would allow to a Pokemon is the act of throwing rocks at it. This violates Line 8 of Section 3, from Codex 2 of the Treaty of Proper Pokemon Treatment. We hereby declare you an invalid member of society, and regretfully inform you that you must start over."

"Wait, what?" Shepard asked as he blacked out.

When Shepard awoke, he saw a nightmare standing before him. The woman Oak claimed was his mom.

"I'm so pro-," she started as Shepard learned he could skip the conversation this time.

"I am-"

"You should go talk to-"

"So, who'd you pi-"

"Here, take these run-"

"Well, good luck! I'm sure-" she concluded, Shepard was glad he could speed it up this time, but even that wasn't enough.

"Okay, now Oak. Instruct us how to not get swarmed by Rangers again," Shepard said.

"First you must choose Soap, you can't just have him out already. Then, you must pick which attack you want to use. Both of you will exchange attacks, however blocking during this stage is strictly prohibited."

"So I bloody stand there and wait to get ripped up?" Soap asked.

"Precisely. Once one of you has lost all your HP, you will faint, ending the battle."

"That's a load of rubbish," Soap replied.

"Comply, or we'll be listening to Mom all day," Oak said sternly.

Soap glanced at Shepard, looking for a way out.

"We've got to do what he says. it's the only way. And I am NOT listening to HER again!" Shepard said, pointed back at the woman.

The group moved back into the tall grass from before. It wasn't long before a wild Nidoran had appeared.

"Go Soap!" Shepard ordered.

This time, several options popped up for Shepard. They included Fight, Bag, Pokemon, and Run. After selecting fight he could tell Soap to use M4, Precision Airstrike, Counter-UAV, or Sentry Gun.

"Soap, use Counter-UAV!" Shepard called.

"Counter-UAV up, they're blind!" a voice said from nowhere.

Nidoran's accuracy sharply fell.

Nidoran used Poison Sting!

The strange purple creature charged toward Soap but missed. It then calmly walked back to its place on the other side of the battlefield.

"Soap, use Precision Airstrike!" Shepard commanded, expecting to be able to finish it.

Out of nowhere three F15 Eagles flew over head, dropping bombs on the Nidoran. Its health bar dropped slowly, and stopped a little over halfway down.

"How did the bloody thing survive an air strike?" Soap asked.

"Don't you know not to expect to one-hit KO similar leveled Pokemon unless you are using something super effective?" Oak asked as if it was common knowledge.

Nidoran used Poison Sting!

This time, the Nidoran looked dead on course. Soap looked at Shepard.

"Can I kick it?" he asked, raising his foot.

"No!" Oak said.

Soap lowered his leg just as the Nidoran's spike hit his leg.

"Ahh, bullocks!" Soap screamed. "This is bloody stupid, Shepard!"

"I know, I know. Just hang in there. Use M4!" Shepard said.

"Gladly," Soap said, raising his gun and finishing the Nidoran.

Nidoran fainted! Soap gained 117 XP! Congratulations! Soap is now level 6! Soap wants to learn Tactical Knife, but already knows four moves. Would you like him to forget one to learn Tactical Knife?

"What is this? I can only use four different attacks?" Soap said.

"Well, kinda… yeah," Shepard said, dismissing the new attack.

"Now that that's over with, let's go," Shepard said.

He took a single step and Soap cringed with pain.

"Are you okay?" Shepard asked, taking another step.

"Ouch!" Soap yelled.

"Whoa… I think whenever I take a step it hurts you?" Shepard said.

"Yeah, you're bloody well right it does," Soap said tensely.

"Maybe if I go faster…" Shepard said, sprinting off.

Soap let loose a noise of true pain.

"Or not," Shepard said casually.

"Yeah… Or not…" Soap said, obviously in pain.

"Oak? Can I heal him with Medigel?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, but the Poison will remain. You need an antidote for that!" Oak replied.

"Where can we get some?"

"In a Pokemart. That would be in the next town."

"Can't we just go back?" Shepard questioned.

"The starting town never has a Pokemart, sorry." Oak said plainly.

Shepard and the team proceeded toward the next town. Shepard couldn't help but watch Soap cringe with every step. Just as they were nearly to the town, a young kid with a Safari outfit approaches.

"Hey! You're a trainer too? Let's fight!" he said.

"Hey kid, I'm not interested. I need to get to the next town," Shepard said.

"What? You must be new. You can't deny a trainer battle!"

"Seriously? We'll see about that," Shepard said, pointing his gun at the kid's head.

"You can't do that either. Not even Team Rocket does that, and they're criminals. Plus, if you shoot me, the Pokemon Rangers will come save me," the kid said, sticking out his tongue.

"Fine." Shepard said.

Bug Catcher Alvin wants to fight!

Bug Catcher Alvin sent out Metapod!

"Go Soap!"

Soap leaped onto the battlefield.

"Metapod! Use Harden!" Alvin said.

"What the?" Soap asked, glancing back at Shepard.

Shepard shrugged as the Metapod turned metallic for a moment, then returned to normal.

Metapod's defense rose!

"Soap! Use Sentry Gun!" Shepard called.

Soap is waiting for his airdrop.

Soap is hurt by poison.

"OUCH!" Soap screamed.

"Metapod! You know what to do! Use Harden!" Alvin said again.

Soap's Sentry Gun arrived, then activated. It unleashed a hail of bullets at Metapod. Half of its health bar went down. Soap shook his head, again disturbed by its lack of efficiency.

Soap is hurt by poison.

Soap's face contorted, but he held tough.

The Metapod used Harden for its third time. It was quickly followed by the Sentry Gun's storm of bullets, which still failed to kill it due to its further increased defense.

"This is ridiculous," Shepard said, watching the useless Metapod absorb fire.

After another round the creature finally fainted.

"Ah… you got me!" the Bug Catcher said, as if he was surprised.

Shepard moved on toward Viridian City.

"Shepard, we could go to the Pokecenter instead of the Pokemart. It will be free then."

"After my past experience with off world money… I think I'll try that," Shepard said, moving quickly towards the Pokecenter. He entered and saw a nurse behind the counter.

"Excuse me, I need to cure the poison from Soap."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to put him in his Pokeball for the healing to commence," the nurse replied.

"He doesn't have a Pokeball. I can't do that."

"Then I'm afraid you'll have to go next door to the Pokemart. I can't do anything without him in a Pokeball," the nurse said.

"You're a nurse that can't do ANYTHING without a fancy Pokeball machine? Ridiculous!" Shepard said, storming out of the building.

He moved over to the Pokemart's entrance. Just before he entered he received a message.

Soap has fainted.

He looked back to see Soap face first in the ground.

"Okay then. We'll be right back Soap," Shepard said, moving into the store.

"Hi, I need a Revive and an Antidote," Shepard said.

"That will be 1700 Pokedollars," the sales clerk said.

"Credits… take credits," Shepard pleaded, pulling out his credit chit.

"Yes, we do take credits actually," the clerk said grabbing his chit and scanning it.

"Thank… you…" Shepard said with a look of joy he hadn't displayed since he first heard that there was DLC.

The two made the exchange and Shepard went to go use his new items. First he sprayed Soap with the Revive, which woke him up.

"What just happened?" Soap asked as he rose.

"You ran out of HP," Oak said knowledgably.

As Shepard prepared to spray the antidote, he noticed that Soap was no longer poisoned. In response he put away the spray, just in case he needed it again later.

"We need to find Ash," Oak stated now that the Soap issue was out of the way

"Alright, where can we start?" Shepard asked.

"Well how about that totally unnoticeable Team Rocket Member who is walking down the street?" Oak said, pointing at a man in black.

"Mm-kay. As good a place as any," Shepard replied.

They approached the man slowly.

"What? Team Rocket? No, I've never heard of them," the man said without Shepard having to utter a word.

"Come on! You don't believe me?" he continued, still without contest.

"Fine, I'm with Team Rocket. You happy now?"

"No, actually. We think you have a boy named Ash held hostage," Shepard said plainly.

"Impossible. Well maybe. Yeah, honestly I have no idea. I'm just a grunt.. Wait, no… you have to fight me for more information!" he said, pulling out a Pokeball.

He threw the ball as Shepard pulled out his pistol.

"Oh look! An Ekans. Did you know that spells Snake backwards?" Oak asked.

The Rocket Grunt vibrated in fear as he looked at the pistol.

"Put your snake away, and I won't shoot you… Yet," Shepard said, gaining five Renegade points.

"Okay, okay," the Rocket Grunt said, retracting his Ekans. "I have no information for you. Except that our base is NOT hidden underneath the Viridian City Gym, and that the secret door is NOT accessible by pressing a button on Giovanni's chair."

"Alright. Thanks for the information," Shepard said.

"Can I go now?" the Grunt asked.

"No. BOOM! Headshot!" Shepard said as he fired a round into his head, gaining ten Renegade points. "That's my second Renegade gain this conversation!"

"What?" Oak asked. "You can't just go shooting people all over! We're on Planet Japan!"

"Trust me, I did this planet a favor."

"Good work mate," Soap said, offering a knuckle bump.

"Thanks," Shepard said, accepting it.

They went to the edge of town where a house had a massive hole in it. A police officer stood in front of the door.

"Wow, it must be the Rockets again. They did this in Vermillion a while back," Oak said sadly.

"Excuse me, what happened here," Shepard asked the guard.

"Team Rocket broke in and stole some property. It seems there is nothing our Police Force can do to stop them. We can't even find them! They are incredibly sneaky," the officer said with a frustrated look on his face.

Shepard looked behind him to see another Rocket Grunt running past them.

"Isn't that one?" he asked.

"I can't be for sure. I can't just go arresting people because I THINK they are with Team Rocket."

"Okay, but he's wearing the Rocket uniform."

"And?" the officer said.

"He's got a bag over his shoulder like a thief," Shepard said plainly.

"No proof."

"Really? This is dumb. I'm shooting him and taking the good back. Then I'm giving it back to the poor family who had it stolen."

Shepard again points his gun and fires, dropping the burglar.

"What have you done!" the officer exclaimed.

"I just saved you 15% or more on car insurance. No, seriously though. I just saved you a lot of work trying to hunt this guy down."

"Well. If you put it that way… I guess I'll let it go… This time. But no more Mr. Vigilante from you okay?" the officer said.

"I actually am looking for a boy named Ash. Do you think you could help with that? He was taken by the Rockets."

"No! Not the Rockets! We can't do anything about that!" the officer said.

"Fine. But we are going to go deal with it ourselves okay?"

"No, leave it to us," the officer replied.

"You just said you couldn't do anything about it!

"We can't. I just don't want you meddling around with Gangland affairs."

"Wow," Shepard said.

Then the officer leaned real close to Shepard. "Ya see, I've got this deal with Giovanni. If he buys my daughter's girl scout cookies… I don't turn him or his friends in. And the rest of the force just can't find any Rockets to turn in anyway."

"Ah, so you're a bloody corrupt officer eh?" Soap said, getting in his face.

"I did not give you permission to hear that. That was for your friend only," the officer said with a scowl.

"Hmm…" Shepard said thoughtfully, observing his choices. He could offer to buy the cookies himself, continue on his own, or expose the cop.

"What if I bought your daughter's cookies instead?" Shepard asked.

"Eh… They cost 2 Pokedollars apiece."

"I'll offer 10 credits per and buy three dozen."

"Deal," he said, pulling out his radio. "Boys, initiate Operation Point Defense. We're shootin' down the Rockets."

Out of nowhere gunfire burst open. There were screams and several Rocket grunts attempted escape to be gunned down by what appeared to be a Special Ops unit. After only a few minutes one of them approached the officer.

"Sir, the Rocket's have been neutralized. There is a boy in the Gym that may be of interest. He said he wasn't a rocket, but he was working for them. He had no uniform… so you can check him out."

"There we go, that might be your boy. Thank you Sergeant."

The officer led the team into the Gym. At the back was a boy in blue, with jeans and a red and white ball cap.

"Ash? Is that you?" Oak asked.

"Professor! You came! If only you had arrived a few hours sooner! They forced me to help them. They had Arceus. And despite the fact that he's a Legendary and is supposed to be super powerful and stuff, he still got captured. They made me calm him, and now they are shipping him to a secret base!" Ash cried.

Shepard shifted innocently as he thought about why they were late.

"Its okay my boy. I'm sure Arceus will be fine. More importantly you're fine!

"Yeah… but I failed. They took him and now they might torture him. I should have done more."

"You did all you could. Shepard, if you'll give us a moment, I'm almost ready to go back," Oak said softly.

Shepard and Soap both stepped out of the Gym.

"Why is it the Legendaries are always getting owned by Team Rocket?" Shepard asked.

"How am I sp'osed to bloody know. This place is stupid. I didn't even get a kill streak! They all just fainted and stuff," Soap said with a sad look on his face.

"Indeed Soap… Indeed."


	5. All Your Memes Are Belong To Us

Chapter 5

All Your Memes Are Belong To Us

Back on board the Normandy, Commander Shepard was having a conversation with Starfox. It appeared to Shepard that a loyalty mission was right around the bend.

"Shepard, this is important. I have something I need to tell you," Starfox said.

"Alright, alright. I'm listening," Shepard said kindly.

"This is big... but... My name isn't Starfox... It's just Fox. Fox McCloud."

"Okay," Shepard replied plainly.

"Phew, maybe this won't be so hard... Well, I am a former federal agent. I worked for a team known as Starfox."

"Mmkay. So was this team composed completely of foxes like you?" Shepard asked.

"No, we had all sorts of animals. But another team known as Starwolf... They had it out for us. Especially their leader, Wolf O'Donnell."

"Alright, can we speed this up?" Shepard asked, earning another couple Renegade points.

"Right, of course. Well, my team has been captured by the members of Starwolf, and I feel we must rescue them before it's too late."

"And THERE is the punchline! You need my help. Well, I accept. Where shall we go _Fox McCloud_?" Shepard said, putting emphasis on the name.

"The Lylat System. We must be swift if we hope to stop them," Fox said urgently.

Shepard nodded and left the room. This was clearly important to Fox, as he seemed flustered and less collected than he had been in the past. Shepard set the course for Lylat and the Normandy made its jump.

Coming in fast Joker piloted the Normandy into orbit of Cornelia, the world the Starfox team was being kept. Shepard made his way to the shuttle with Fox, thinking hard the entire way there as to who else to call. He knew the Ghost Busters were unavailable, so he had to choose someone else. Having not really met Master Chief yet, Shepard called him to the shuttle. The green-clad soldier arrived in record time, surprising Shepard.

Their shuttle took off and descended toward the lush farming world that was Cornelia. Chief was standing tall and proud one moment, though suddenly he seemed to slouch, leaning heavily against the wall and his arms raised into an odd position.

"Lolololololololol. Do u think they eat corn here?" he asked in a voice drastically different than usual.

"Um, Chief? You doin' alright?" Shepard asked cautiously.

"Lolololol. I haz supercancer. Can I haz Reconz?" he asked, the voice being reminiscent of primitive computer synthesizers.

Suddenly, he jerked upright again, returning to his prior position.

"Chief?" Shepard asked again.

He looked at Shepard and nodded, saying nothing.

"What was that?" Shepard asked.

"What?" the Chief replied plainly in his usual voice.

"Never mind," Shepard said.

The shuttle finally soared into the majestic cities of Cornelia, which were carefully designed to maximize Eco-friendliness. The team of three exited the shuttle after it landed near the base of a tall tower. They entered the building and approached the elevator. Stepping inside, Shepard looked toward Fox, raising an eyebrow.

"Top Floor. General Pepper will be waiting to brief us."

Silently, Shepard hit the button to the top floor. Considering the immense height of the tower, Shepard was hoping for a quick loading screen. Instead, he was presented with a realistic elevator ride to the top... a feat which took quite some time to complete.

As they rode, a news broadcaster made an announcement.

"Earlier today, Peppy Hare was spotted drinking tea with Oolong, another rabbit with the incredible ability to balance anything on his head. When our cameras captured the event, Oolong was confirmed to be balancing his trademark pancake on his head."

"Peppy? He's alright? I guess that's one less member I have to worry about for this rescue mission," Fox said, relief clearly present in his tone.

Upon their eventual arrival at the top, Shepard was the first to exit. He was now in a spectacular room with many windows. Before him was a desk with a large hound, wearing a fancy military hat, sitting behind it.

"General Pepper," Fox said.

"Fox McCloud," the hound replied.

"You're an animal!" Shepard said, feigning surprise.

"Fox, your team is in trouble. Wolf has seized them and is presently holding them captive in his new stronghold a few clicks north of here," Pepper said, ignoring Shepard.

"We'll get them out, just lend us some Arwings!" Fox replied enthusiastically.

"Fox... I'm afraid it won't be so simple. He has hired someone who... I fear we cannot hope to outmatch. Walker. Texas Ranger."

"Chuck..."

"Yes. It's him," Pepper replied.

"How can we stop him?" Fox asked.

"I only know of one way..." Pepper began. "We must rally Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman and every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan. Together it is said that the Texas Ranger can be stopped."

"Okay, I've had enough collecting people for one lifetime... I mean, I had to gather my whole team one by one! And now you want me to go collect a crew nearly twice as large for ONE MISSION?" Shepard blurted.

"But it's the only way!" Pepper proclaimed.

"There is another..." a man in a dark robe and hood said, randomly emerging from the shadows.

"How did you get here? Who are you?" Pepper asked intensely.

Removing his hood and robe, the man's identity was revealed. It was Mr. Rogers, garbed in a blood-stained sweater.

"My name is Boxxy... I mean, all of that is irrelevant. What matters is how to stop the Texas Ranger," he said plainly.

"And how is that?" Fox inquired.

"One man so skilled in martial arts... it is said he once defeated the Ranger. I believe if revived, he may still possess this power."

"Wait... so your secret weapon is dead?" Shepard asked.

"Yes."

"So..."

"He can be revived though. Take this to his shrine on the corner of King and Rock."

"This isn't Elvis is it?" Shepard asked.

"No."

Shepard looked at Fox, then at Pepper.

"This information good?"

"Well, it sounds better than finding all of the warriors on my list," Pepper said.

"Then that's the plan," Shepard announced, reaching out to accept the crystal from Mr. Rogers' hand. "And General... You ain't nothin' but a hound dog!"

The team turned around and re-boarded the elevator for another long ride. About midway through the ride, Shepard received a message on his omnitool.

"OMG Shepard! This is Osama! They've found me! Seal Team 6 has launched a _Counterstrike. _They want to take away my ten year Hide and Seek trophy!"

"Do you need help?" Shepard asked hastily.

"No,no. What's the worst they'll do to me? I'm sure they've already raided my trophy case," Osama replied.

Abruptly, the call ended.

When they reached the bottom, they made their way to the street location that had been provided. Situated on the corner of King and Rock was a martial arts school. Entering the Asian-Themed building, Shepard immediately saw what they were looking for. A substantial shrine, jutting from the center of the floor with glorious grandeur. The monument was to a man named Bruce Li.

"Well, this is it."

They approached the shrine, then carefully removed the lid of the sarcophagus in the center. As the great stone lid fell to the floor, ninja cats emerged from various holes in the ceiling.

Shepard, Fox, and the Chief pointed their weapons at the newcomers, though did not fire.

"What are you doing here... at the Great Shrine?" one of the cat-people asked.

Viewing his options, he saw a special Paragon choice that he could not turn down.

"I am here For Great Justice! All Your Bruce Li Are Belong To Us."

The catman stood, only his eyes visible from behind his ninja mask. He drew both of his swords, his eyes thinning.

"I understand. You've come to revive him haven't you?" he questioned.

"Yes. To defeat the Texas Ranger."

"Proceed," the cat said solemnly, putting away his swords and moving his hands into a prayer pose.

Shepard looked at Fox, nodded, and pulled out the crystal. He stared down at the aged torso of a former warrior. Raising the crystal high above his head, he cringed for a brief moment before plunging it into Li's heart. Suddenly Li's eyes opened, his eyes becoming like flashlights, pouring out yellow light. He rose from the coffin, giving a single blank look to Shepard before leaping out. Suddenly, his hair turned bright gold and he held his arms out, elbows bent at 45 degree angles.

"Keyboard Cat, what's the scouter say about his power level?" the leader cat asked.

"It's over 9000!" a ninja cat armed with a QWERTY Keyboard announced.

"Excellent. He is ready. Go forth and stop the Texas Ranger," their leader ordered.

"You sure this'll work?"

"Positive."

"Lololololololol! Positive u haz super-AIDS!" Chief said in his strange voice.

Mostly disregarding the comment, Shepard exited the building, Super-Sayin' Bruce Li following close behind. As he exited, he received another communique from Osama.

"Shepard! It's me! They have me in a secret holding facility, but they are telling people I'm dead. ROFL! They have encased me up to my neck in concrete... though they placed a cake in front of me. It's within reach of my mouth. Inside the..." his voice was interrupted by another menacing voice in the background.

"Hello Osama... would you like to play a game?"

"WTO! I should have known Jigsaw was in on this," Osama's voice returned.

"World Trade Organization? What are you talking about?" Shepard asked.

"LOL! I meant 'What The Osama'! Anyway, there is a hammer inside the cake. Once I eat enough of the cake, I can get the hammer to try to escape. Fear not Shepard, I will survive!"

"But Osama, the cake is a lie!" Shepard called out.

Though it was too late. Again the com channel was cut, leaving Shepard to guess what happened next. Shepard shook his head in dismay and set off toward their shuttle once more. Upon arriving there, a hound-faced police officer was just concluding the placement of a ticket on their shuttle.

"Excuse me sir, what... what is that for?" Shepard inquired.

"You parked in the handicap zone."

"We're trying to stop Starwolf from killing the good guys on this planet! Give us a break!"

"Ah yes, 'Starwolf'," he said, making air quotes around Starwolf. "The band of animals allegedly going around holding our people for ransom... We've dismissed that claim."

"Surely you jest," Shepard said.

"I'm serious, and don't call me Shirley."

Shepard's next choice was tough. A Renegade action would permit him to shoot Fox in the leg and claim him as handicapped. The Paragon equivalent was to apologize sincerely for the mistake. A standard choice gave him the option of claiming that the Chief was mentally handicapped, in hopes that it would convince the officer. The problem, Chief was unpredictable, and more and more seemed to have two distinct personalities.

"I'm sorry officer. We were in a hurry and had important business and I must have just missed the wheelchair picture," Shepard said apologetically, securing two Paragon points.

"I understand, but son, I am dissapoint," the officer replied.

"Can I get off with a verbal warning?"

"Yeah...no. 50 credits."

"That's all? That's pocket change! Shepard said, passing over his credit chit.

"Where do you get all this money? Fairly suspicious."

"A friend."

The officer stared at Shepard, and Shepard stared back.

"Okay," the officer said, walking back to his hover-car.

Shepard boarded his shuttle and sat down in the pilot's seat. As he began to take off, he received yet another message.

"Shepard, click this link to save me!" the voice of Osama said as a hyperlink appeared on his omnitool.

Selecting the link, Shepard was ready to have Osama free and no longer messaging him.

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never..." his shuttle's radio blasted the famous Rick Roll.

"This... is absurd," Shepard said, rolling his eyes at Osama's trap.

They flew the shuttle to a landing pad loaded with various vehicles.

"This is it," Chief said, completely normally.

Chief and Fox exited the shuttle to board two of the Arwings. Shepard remained inside the shuttle to transport Li to the Texas Ranger. After each pilot was in their craft, they established a radio connection. The fancy equipment even displayed a video of their face on the HUD while they spoke.

"This r Cheef. My roflcopter goes soi soi soi."

"Fox here, prepped for combat.

"This is Shepard, I read. Oh yeah, and it stinks like zombie in here."

The three took off and made great haste toward the coordinates where Wolf O'Donnell was said to be holding the rest of Starfox. As they came within visual range of the stronghold, a Wolfen fighter squad took off from the airbase.

"Hahaha! Here to save your squad? Can't let you brew that... Starbucks! Wait, that's not right," a voice came over all the coms. "I can't let you do that, Starfox!"

Fox broke formation and approached the slew of enemy fighters. Suddenly, large anti-air cannons began firing at him.

"It's a trap!" Shepard called out.

"Do not want! Stop that! Only I kill Fox!" Wolf called out, seemingly to his own men.

The AA fired stopped as abruptly as it started. Shepard steered his shuttle down toward the facility. On its roof could be seen their greatest foe. Garbed in green camo pants, a Texas Trenchcoat, and a cowboy hat, the Texas Ranger awaited any who dared oppose him.

"Shepard, I've got Wolf. You go get the Ranger," Fox requested.

"Way ahead of you bro," Shepard said lightly, just as he landed the shuttle.

The door opened and the anxious Li zombie leaped out.

"Go get 'em!" Shepard said, lifting out of his seat to watch the spectacle.

As he stepped out, he saw Li staring at Norris, and Norris staring at Li. He couldn't tell who would make the first move. Would it be a roundhouse kick? A ninja leap or a Falcon Punch? An aura of mutual respect filled the air as the two stared at each other. Both men then turned around and began to walk away. There was to be no fight, no ultimate showdown. Instead, the event ended as both men recognized each others' power. The Texas Ranger walked away into a sunset that had suddenly created itself for this sole purpose. Li, his hair still gold from being Super Sayin', simply stared at Shepard, his work complete.

Shepard then drew his pistol and shot Li in the head, knocking him over to the ground. Shepard then stepped forward and placed another round in the same spot.

"Double Tap. Can't have zombies hangin' around."

Shepard looked up to see Fox's Arwing locked, wing in wing, with Wolf's Wolfen, both descending at high speed.

"Fox, come in?" Shepard asked.

"I'm good Shepard, we're just going to finish this on foot," Fox said, just as both Fox and Wolf bailed from their respective crafts. Both airplanes exploded violently upon impact a second later. The two pilots however, descended the relatively short distance remaining and each landed, striking a pose, prepared to face each other.

"Imma firin' mah lazor!" Wolf said, pulling out his blaster and firing.

The large green blast was evaded by Fox, who then began to run at him with incredible speed.

"I will avenge my father's death!" Fox screamed.

"I assure you Fox, I am not responsible for that, it was Pigma!"

"You lie to get what you want... that's like dinosaurs!" Fox replied.

Shepard, confused by Fox's statement, looked up to see Chief still engaged in combat.

"How's it going up there Chief?"

"Sir, I'm finishing this fight," the Chief responded, his voice containing a powerful sense of finality.

Looking back at Wolf and Fox, Wolf appeared to be winning. Fox had placed a series of rapid punches on Wolf, though Wolf had returned with a powerful kick that sent Fox into a nearby tree. Fox landed directly beside a massive well that descended deep into the ground. Shepard took a shot at Wolf only to be knocked over by a Falcon Kick to the face. His vision blurred, but he rose carefully, taking a look at Fox. Wolf was holding Fox up by his collar, incredibly close to the edge, looking down the long well.

"At last, I shall have unlimited power!" Wolf exclaimed.

Then Shepard saw something... someone. It wore green armor. It was Chief. The Chief reached out, grabbing Wolf's neck and spinning him around, causing Fox to tumble to safety.

"Tiem to die Wolf... Tiem to die. My roflknife goes sliec sliec sliec sliec," Chief said, plunging his combat knife into Wolf multiple times for an assassination kill.

"This is blasphemy... this is madness," Wolf mumbled as the Chief held his nearly deceased body.

"No, This! Is! SPARTA!" Chief roared, Sparta kicking Wolf into the giant well.

"Do a barrel roll," Fox said angrily as he stood up and looked into the pit. Wolf's body spun out of control before eventually disappearing in the depths of the well.

"I guess that concludes negotiations..." Shepard said quietly, also rising to his feet.

"It's finished," Chief said.

"No, I have a feeling its just getting started," Fox said. "We still need to find my team."

"Fox, help!" a squeaky voice said.

Looking over at the facility, Shepard saw an open door revealing a plethora of animals behind bars.

"This seems too easy," Shepard said.

"No. Wolf is dead. At last my father's death is avenged," Fox said.

"Wolf killed your father ?" Shepard asked.

"No, but I blame him for it anyway."

"Sounds good with me."

They moved quickly but casually over to the bars, though when the arrived the great door slammed shut before them. A rumbling could be heard as the building before them shook violently. A large thick white cat burst from the ground behind the building. It was many meters in diameter, though it kept growing taller and taller.

"It's Longcat!" Fox called out.

Then, just as suddenly as Longcat had appeared, Tacgnol, Longcat's nemesis, emerged from the ground behind Longcat. The two cats had grown to such incredible heights, it was becoming unclear how to stop them.

"Okay, we need a plan," Shepard said, looking over at Fox and Chief.

Both nodded and they began to try to put together a way to take down the two combative mammoths. As their plan was nearing completion, Chief's voice changed.

"Mastuuuuuuuur !" he called out, charging at the cats, with complete disregard for the plan.

Shepard turned, realizing this was his only chance.

"It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!" he said, aiming his weapon at Tacgnol's head.

He unleashed a hail of bullets at the giant animal, though the bullets seemed to simply deflect off of the cat's evil energies. Though just as things seemed hopeless, Tacgnol's eyes became yellow in a way similar to Li's when the stone had been placed in his heart.

"Assuming Direct Control!" an absurdly deep voice rumbled. "This hurts you Shepard. I know you feel this."

The giant cat turned toward him, clearly intending to crush him with its immense size. Shepard closed his eyes, unsure what to do. Then he saw something. Some creature with a solid black body in the shape of a human and four mechanical arms coming out of its back flew in.

"Doctor Octagonapus... BLAAAARGH!" it screamed, blasting a powerful energy, much like a shoop-da-woop out of its suddenly enlarged mouth.

Shepard suddenly could not see, and blinked repeatedly to try to regain his vision. When he could again see, the two mammoth cats were gone, as was Doctor Octagonapus.

"And that..." Shepard started, equipping a pair of shades. "Is how its done."

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Chief added in a monotone yell.

The three regrouped and promptly freed Falco, Slippy, Krystal, and a variety of other hostages.

"Thanks Fox, you're always there to save me!" Slippy said in his irritating high-pitch voice.

"I'm not proud of that, but thanks," Falco said shamefully.

Fox nodded solemnly, then looked up at Shepard.

"And thank you Shepard. If not for you, my team may have been lost."

"Not a problem Fox... not a problem.


	6. I Used To Be An Adventurer Like You

Chapter 6

I Used To Be An Adventurer Like You

Shepard had stared at the galaxy map for a long time, as if he was just waiting for something to happen. His eyes carefully darted from system to system, planet to planet.

"You know, this map would make a perfect strategy game," he said, as if a brilliant idea had overtaken him.

No response answered him. Excluding the unnamed crewmen who worked tirelessly at the display, no one was in the room with him. And considering the crewmen weren't paid enough to talk as well as work, they remained silent. Shepard sighed lightly before Joker began speaking over the intercom.

"Hey Shepard, Osama found a distress beacon... somewhere called Tamriel? Evidently one of Al Qaeda's Space Cores went offline in the region, and he thinks its falling to the planet. Think we could deal with that?" Joker's voice rang out, filled with its casual cheer.

"Yeah sure," Shepard replied. "Plot the course."

"Right away Commander."

It wasn't long until the Normandy was in orbit above Tamriel. Shepard once more found himself loading up in the shuttle, this time opting to invite Gabe Nowak and Ezio, after hearing the planet to be a little behind technology-wise. Their shuttle soon was hurtling toward the planet at great speeds, until it came to a slow stop outside of a sizable city.

"This place doesn't look so bad," Shepard said, stepping out of his craft.

"It's not, trust me," Gabe replied.

"You been here?" Shepard inquired.

"No, really. I haven't."

"Okay," Shepard answered, relatively confused.

The trio approached the gates to the city and a guard hailed them from above.

"Adventurers! For what purpose do you approach Whiterun? Did someone steal your sweet roll?" the guard called out.

"Uh... no! We're just looking around for a downed Space Core," Shepard replied honestly.

"A what? I don't understand."

"A big shiny metal thing from the sky," Shepard said, hoping to clear it up.

"No such thing has arrived here. You must be mistaken."

No sooner had the guard finished the statement, a dragon swooped by, spewing flame across the street behind the gate.

"What in Oblivion! It's a Dragon! Call for the Dovahkin! We cannot win!" the guard screeched, cowering in fear.

"Dragons? Seriously? They are so... kiddie," Shepard said, raising his rifle.

"Shepard, we can kill it, I know we can!" Gabe called out.

Then, without warning, a small object, burning with heat, zoomed down from the sky and struck the dragon, both objects crashing hard on the opposite side of the town.

"Yeah! See, I was right Shepard! We did it!" Gabe announced.

"There, your dragon's dead. Happy now?" Shepard asked.

"It wasn't you..." the guard murmured. "The Dovahkin has arrived."

Below the guard the gates opened, and a man with downward curling horns stood in waiting, with a steel armored woman with shoulder length hair by his side.

"I am the Dragonborn. I slay dragons on my way to real problems," he said angrily. "And this is my Housecarl, Lydia."

"Hello, I'm Commander Shepard, and Whiterun's my favorite town on Tamriel."

"Lydia, hold my shield," the Dragonborn said, handing the shield to Lydia as he drew a two handed sword.

"I'm sworn to carry your burdens..." she sighed in response.

"FUS-ROH-DAH!" he shouted, turning toward Lydia.

A massive burst of energy emitted from his open mouth, launching Lydia high into the air and over the walls of Whiterun.

"What did I just witness?" Shepard asked.

"The Apple. He must have a Piece of Eden!" Ezio called out in fear.

"You need to leave us. Only I can stop the Dragons," the Dragonborn demanded.

"You jelly?" Gabe mocked, despite Shepard's team having done nothing to kill the dragon.

He pounded his fists together, rage coming across his face.

"What in Oblivion do you want with us?"

"We're just here to recover a shiny metal thing. It's probably what killed that Dragon, if you will let us check it out," Shepard answered.

"I must take you to the Jarl. He will wish to see you."

"Okay, okay, we'll comply. But really, if we could just go around the city here..."

"No. You can leave through the gate on the other side after we've spoken with the Jarl... IF he decides to let you live."

"Um, Shepard, I wouldn't trust this guy. Like seriously," Gabe advised.

"He may be a Templar Shepard, I feel Gabe is correct in his statement," Ezio agreed.

Shepard frowned as he realized he once again fell short of having enough points in either Paragon or Renegade to get out of the situation easily.

"We'll comply," Shepard replied, to the dismay of his squad.

The three followed the Dragonborn into the town, the guard laughing from his post as they walked. The had to walk up a long, winding trail before reaching another gate, and then entering the city. As they entered, a man ran up to them with fury on his face.

"Battle-Born or Gray-Mane?" he asked Shepard.

"I don't understand," Shepard replied.

"Battle-Born... or Gray-Mane!" he asked again.

Shepard observed the man's hair, noting that he did in fact seem to have a mane, though it was clearly a blondish color, not gray. He also did seem ready for battle, so Shepard took a guess.

"You're a Battle-Born?" Shepard answered.

"Of course you useless dog! But what are you!"

Shepard then proceeded to search for his own mane, though upon realizing his hair was carefully cropped in such a way that he did not have a mane, and what he did have was not gray, he came to another conclusion.

"Battle-Born."

"Ah, old friend! Welcome to Whiterun! It is my pleasure to meet you!" the man said, all trace of rage instantly gone.

"Yeah, uh, I should go," Shepard said, departing the conversation.

Then he realized that the Dragonborn was halfway up the road already. Evidently conversation did not pause the world around him here. This was unusual and unexpected. Shepard quickly sprinted to catch up, despite the chance to escape.

Together they kept rising up an absurdly long staircase, getting higher and higher above the ground. When at last they reached the great Mead Hall, Shepard couldn't help but think of the tales of Beowulf and Grendel from long ago. They entered the even greater building beside it and walked forward to the Jarl, seated on a particularly fancy throne. At his side was Lydia, evidently unharmed and still carrying the Dragonborn's shield. He also had some form of servant and a dark-skinned woman with red hair and armor beside him.

"Hail Hrothgar! I mean... High Hrothgar... err... Jarl Balgruuf," the Dragonborn said, having all sorts of trouble with his words.

"Greetings, Noble Dovahkin," the middle-aged man replied. "Who have you brought me today?"

"They are... bad people, my Jarl. They kill things. Um... they are bad," he said.

"We did nothing," Shepard blurted. "We watched as a Dragon was struck by an object we are here to recover. Your Dragonborn here is just afraid we're here to take his job, but we aren't!" he continued, acquiring some Renegade.

"Are these accusations true, Dovahkin?" the Jarl asked.

"Lydia... make me a sandwich. I have grown hungry. My Jarl, only I can slay a Dragon. You know this. They fabricate lies to bring me down and place themselves upon a pedestal to win your favor! You know neither Ulfric or Tullius would accept this!"

"What in Oblivion are you talking about? Ulfric or Tullius? Which side are you on Dovahkin?" the man said.

"Well, a little of both. I go back and forth depending on play-through. I liked the Imperial ending better though..."

"By Ulfric's beard! Be gone Dovahkin! No Thane shall behave like this in my court!" the Jarl shouted.

"Thane? I knew a guy named Thane once..." Shepard said quietly.

The disgraced Dragonborn walked out of the room, moving at incredibly slow pace due to not running. Lydia sprinted up behind him with a fresh sandwich, presenting it to him.

"The way he treats the woman appalls me," Ezio said.

"Trust me Shepard, Ezio's the same way," Gabe retorted.

Ezio gave Gabe a cold stare before glancing back at the Jarl.

"I thank you for your efforts in killing the Dragon!" he stated.

"But uh... we just said we didn't do that. And you believed us... didn't you?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, trust us!" Gabe pitched in.

Ignoring the statements entirely, the Jarl continued.

"You know, I used to be an adventurer like you... until I took a..." the Jarl was interrupted by a stream of arrows, soaring in from unknown locations.

The flurry of arrows all jabbed into the Jarl's knees, each knee looking like a porcupine in the aftermath.

"WHAT IN OBLIVION! BY ULFRIC'S BEARD! MY GODS! WHAT IN MARA'S LOVE JUST HAPPENED TO ME!" the Jarl screamed, his face red with pain.

Shepard's jaw dropped, unsure what to make of what he had just witnessed.

"Run!" he then shouted, hoping to escape before he was somehow accused of the crime.

The three hurriedly darted toward the doorway, bursting forth from the building. The Dragonborn stood waiting. He began to move his arms in a twisting fashion, performing some form of lightning storm magicka.

"Khaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... Haaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaay," he said in a strained voice, his entire body trembling.

"TAC ROLL!" Shepard called out, diving and rolling.

Ezio leaped up and seized the ledge above them, ascending higher. Gabe immediately put his back up against the nearest cover, assuming a tactical stance.

"!" the Dragonborn exclaimed, putting both hands together and emitting a powerful blue blast through the doorway to Dragonsreach.

Shepard maneuvered by, darting down the stairwell as quickly as he could. The Dragonborn had said there was a gate on this side of town, but as Shepard looked around, he felt he had been fooled.

"Ezio, Gabe, get back to the entrance!" Shepard called out, drawing his rifle.

He pushed through citizens quickly, knocking them aside when he had to. Ezio appeared to be pickpocketing all of them he passed using his Fast Walk. When they reached the gate, a guard called out.

"A guard might get nervous, a man approaching with his weapon drawn," the guard stated cautiously.

"We just need to get out of here, we mean you no harm," Shepard defended.

"Oh, well in that case... I'll let you return to your adventures. I used to be an adventurer like you..." the guard replied, before being cut off.

"FUS-RO-DAH!" the Dragonborn spat, appearing from nowhere and catapulting the guard into the field outside the town. "I am the mudda-flippin' Bro-vahkin! And You! Shall! Not! Pass!" he screamed.

Shepard chose to use his renegade interrupt, firing his gun at the Dragonborn. The bullet blew through the Dragonborn's helmet, it's curved horns doing nothing to protect the wearer. Blood spewed dramatically from the back as the Dragonborn fell in slow motion. Suddenly he vanished and the guard reappeared. Then he too reappeared.

"FUS-RO-DAH!" he called out again, once more sending the guard into the sky. "Quicksave mudda-flippers! What now?"

"What you're doing here is wrong Dragonborn! Being the only one capable of making a significant difference on your planet isn't right! The entire world shouldn't revolve around you and your actions! When things don't work out how you planned you can't just load a previous save!" Shepard said with great oratory prowess, also gaining paragon points.

"But Shepard... do you mean to say it is better to have an entire galaxy depend on you? Do you find this more acceptable? What is so wrong with a single planet when you have manipulated worlds upon worlds to your will! Your decisions alone dictate the survival of the Council, the curing of the Genophage, the extinction of an entire species and more! Do you seriously want me to believe you control less than I?" the Dragonborn replied intensely.

Shepard's countenance turned to a distinct frown. It seemed he was right. The Renegade Points, the Paragon Points, Dialogue Options... it all dictated the status of the galaxy around him. On planets that he wasn't presently on, chances were nothing worthwhile was even happening. Was he worse than the Dragonborn?

"Shepard! Don't listen, trust me!" Gabe spoke up.

"Shepard, 'tis the curse of the protagonist! We must ignore him and escape while we still can!" Ezio called out, his Italian accent re-focusing Shepard.

Without another word Shepard walked through the gates, passing directly beneath the Dragonborn.

"Where the FUS do you think RO going? Get your DA rear back here!" he called out in anguish as Shepard and his team made their escape.

With all the speed they could muster, the team sprinted around the city, seeking the location of the impact. Soon they saw a destroyed farmhouse, rubble lying about from the recent impact.

"This must be it," Shepard said, hurrying closer to examine it.

He entered the battered structure and heard faint sound.

"Spaaaace. Space. Where's the space? Space? Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace. Am I in space? No, not enough Space. Needs more space. Hardrive SPAAAAAAACE."

He uncovered a round object, a single yellow eye upon the sphere. It lit up brightly and uttered more sounds.

"Space? So much more space! Spaaaace. Am I in space? I was in space. Space is good. Dragons? Was that a Dragon? No Space. Just more space. Avatar. Pocahontas. In space. Orcs. In Space. 40,000 of them! Marines! Space! Marines in Space! Space MARINES! War? In Space!"

Shepard was confused by its incessant rambling, and clear love of space.

"This is it guys, let's get back to the..." Shepard suddenly fell through the ground, releasing a manly scream as he went down with the space core.

He fell for what seemed like ages, and eventually hit the ground with a thud. He seemed to be okay, against all odds. Then he looked around. A massive splatter surrounded him, though it appeared his blood was orange. Then a giant orange globule burst over him. He spat out the excess and rolled over. It wasn't his blood.

"Welcome to Aperture Laboratories. Would you like to play a game?"


	7. Aperture SawEnce

Chapter 7

Aperture Saw-ence

Shepard rolled over, escaping the orange goo that repeatedly dripped from a tube attached to the ceiling. Looking around he did not see Gabe nor Ezio, though he did see the Al Qaeda space core resting on the ground beside the goo. He picked it up silently, unsure what to make of his environment.

"Space. Spaaace. Space Pirates! Like pirates... but in SPACE! Space. Are you from space?" the core rambled intently.

Shepard nodded, then finally reacted to the sinister voice he had heard earlier.

"No. No I would not like to play a game. I feel like my whole life is just a game, and I'd much rather not make that feeling any worse. So... if I could just get some help out of here..." Shepard said to the empty room.

"Please complete the first test chamber," a feminine though distinctly robotic voice requested. "We don't have all day, there are tests to be done."

"What do you mean you don't have all day? You live in an underground bunker... what else do you do with your life?" Shepard asked.

"Um... Oh my. Jigsaw, it... it responded. This has never happened before. Why is it speaking?" the voice replied.

The menacing voice that had first welcomed Shepard to the labs replied, "This one is not like the other. He is weak. We will break him with ease."

"Okay, I'm Commander Shepard, and I kinda save galaxies and stuff for a living, so I'd appreciate a bit more respect than that," Shepard retorted.

As he finished the sentence a doorway behind him opened and a girl walked through. She was wearing a white tank top with an orange prison-like jump suit serving as pants, the arms of the suit tied around her waist. In her hand was a white gun of some sort, though regardless of its function, Shepard didn't want to get shot by it.

"Hello ma'am. I see you're trapped down here too. Any advice?" Shepard asked.

She approached him silently and gave him a blank stare, her emotions unchanging.

"Uh, I'm asking you. Not the voices in the sky," Shepard clarified.

Still she gave him no reply.

"Do you know where my friends are? Or anything? Who are you?"

Nothing.

"Okay, what is with these so called _heroes_ and their complete inability to compose a simple sentence? I must be the most literate hero in the galaxy, because _no one's better than Commander Shepard _when it comes to composing sentences!"

She cocked her head slightly, blinking several times.

"Alright. Fine. Maybe you were raised by a tree, I've seen it all before. Let's get out of here."

"Chell. I see you're still testing? What did we say about wanting you gone? What's that? You were too fat to fit out the door? Oh that's right, and you have no friends, so you didn't really want to go. I understand. It happens to all of us. Well, all of us who are ugly at least," the female voice announced.

The girl, evidently named Chell, ignored the comment entirely, firing her gun at the orange blob on the floor. An orange portal opened up, though it remained filled, seemingly leading to no where. Then she fired another one, this time blue, onto a wall. The next glob of gel that fell through flew out from the blue portal and landed on a ramp further across the room. Beyond the ramp was an elevated platform with a classic red button on it. Chell started running toward the ramp, and upon hitting the stretched glob of magic orange gel she sped up to incredible speeds. She propelled through the air and landed on top of the high platform, stepping on the button. A long series of lights lit up, culminating in a nearby door opening. On the other side, Shepard saw another large button. Shepard reached down and grabbed the small Space Core, placing it on his back before taking action.

"I got this!" Shepard then said, sprinting through the doorway and stepping on the button as Chell had.

Lights then went from his button to the same doorway. Soon he saw Chell run through from the other side.

"Alright, so now that I've helped out a bit, maybe you'd like to explain yourself?" Shepard asked her.

She stared blankly at him, then looked up.

"Ooooh Look. I am impressed. You have passed the test chamber. It was designed for the elementary students we hoped to receive on Bring Your Daughter To Work day," the feminine voice taunted.

"Hey! I'm new at this, okay?" Shepard yelled at the voice.

When Shepard looked back at Chell, she had already fired portals around the room, always entering through the orange portal. When she reached an elevated button, a laser activated. She then stared at Shepard intently, as if waiting for him to do something. Shepard looked around frantically, as if she was counting on him and he was failing her. He saw a cube with what appeared to be glass or mirrored panels along its edges. He hurried closer to it and picked it up, careful not to touch the mirrored edges. The laser passed directly over a column, which if Shepard could reach the top of, would allow him to place the cube there. He found himself unable to scale the huge block stairs however, and used the cube to mount up, then reached down to pull it up with him. When he at least reached the top, he found smudges from his shoes on some of the lenses.

"Can I still use this?" Shepard asked Chell.

She stared at him, not even blessing him with the nods that Link had provided. Shepard sighed, then tried spitting on the mirrored glass and wiping it off with his gloved hand. It only came out looking worse. Disregarding it, he placed it on the pedestal. Immediately light refracted through the lenses, then hit the smudged mark and splintered. Instead of a single concentrated beam, the laser split into six or seven thin beams. Three of them passed directly by Shepard, and their incessant buzzing haunted his ears as he stood perfectly still.

Very carefully he moved his head, which had been mere centimeters from the uppermost beam. Then, with utmost caution, he lifted a single leg up and over the beam, which had passed directly between them.

"Warning me would be really, really, nice," Shepard said to Chell.

As Shepard waited, his saliva was burned away and the laser refocused, opening the next doorway. Both Shepard and Chell made their way toward it, though when they passed through, they were treated with a surprise. They stood on a single outcropping, with a massive fall beneath them, though the now familiar Aperture tiling still adorned the ground even down there. But across from them, on a similar outcropping, were two robots. One tall, slender robot and a short, round one.

"Blue? Orange? What are you doing here? Orange, are you listening to Blue again? You were always so much smarter, how did Blue talk you into this? Of course, not to say this was a competition or anything. But I am going to have to deduct five science collaboration points from Blue for this incompetence," the female voice said.

"GlaDOS, focus. Contain the subjects, they cannot interact. It will add unforeseen variables," the other voice said.

"Jigsaw, as a sentient puppet you have earned several science collaboration points. Aren't you glad we aren't competing?" GlaDOS responded.

Suddenly a large spring activated and propelled a segment of the wall directly into the two robots that stood on the other side. Both seemed to explode into pieces as the wall carefully places itself back in position.

"There are times when I must violently disassemble you, though only to carefully reassemble you," GlaDOS said.

"Whoa," Shepard said plainly.

"Game over," Jigsaw said.

Shepard glanced to his right just in time to notice the same thing was happening to him and Chell. He flew against the opposite wall and began falling into the pit. As he fell things darkened and soon he crashed into the ground, breaking through it. He fell again, this time landing not in a bright, white themed laboratory, but instead in a dark, brown cavern, tubes of all sorts passing overhead. A single hole remained in what was once the floor, but now was the ceiling.

"Twice?" Shepard groaned. "I've fallen through the floor... twice?"

"Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace! I was in space! I know it was space! So much space! Space opera! Spaaace," the Space Core rambled, having fallen off of Shepard's back.

He reached over, though his entire body ached, then placed it back in its spot, suddenly silencing the space-obsessed robot. Beside him he found Chell had landed on her feet, and perhaps as a result of the strange metal braces she was wearing, seemed completely unharmed by the fall.

"Hello newcomers, and welcome to Aperture Science. It would seem life has given you lemons, and I wanted to let you know, when Life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade," a deep, overbearing voice announced.

Shepard and Chell walked toward a nearby doorway into the cliff face. Surprisingly, it was not automated and was just like any ordinary old fashion door. Shepard opened it and walked through.

Then he vomited.

Twice.

Before him was a torso, each extremity pulled tightly by chains. It was wearing blue overalls with a red shirt underneath. Its head was swollen to three or four times the average size, with needles sticking into it. Portions of the face were pulled to the sides by chains. Despite all of this, it wore a bright red hat, a single M emblazoned on it.

Shepard wiped his mouth off before refocusing his vision.

"Itsa me! Mario!" it said, as if it were happy to introduce itself, despite the situation.

"What is this? What have they done to you?" Shepard asked.

"The testing! I'mma notta sure what they a wanta from mea!" the figure said, its distress showing through.

"Let's get you out of here," Shepard said. "Any ideas?"

Chell walked forward and stood on a button beneath him, the chains and needles attached to his face released, though still his torso was held in place.

"Yessa! She's a got the right idea! Jigsaw told mea I had to hit this button above me with mya head, whicha woulda torn my limbs from mya body! But then I'da fall onto thatta button and release a the needles!" Mario said.

"That sounds... graphic," Shepard said, still a little uneasy. "Might there be an easier way?"

Mario's massive face contorted, though with the needles removed, it slowly began to shrink to normal proportions.

"Ia getta smaller when Ia getta hurt!" Mario exclaimed.

"Are you saying none of this hurt?" Shepard asked.

"Wella, you gotta do it the righta way! Goombas, Koopa Shells, Bullet Bills, thatta sorta thing!"

Without another thought Shepard drew his gun and fired a bullet at Mario's head. He convulsed violently before shrinking, his arms and legs no longer large enough to fit his fetters. He fell loosely to the ground.

"Momma mea!" he said. "Yahoo!"

"Alright, now that that is out of the way..." Shepard mumbled, looking around the room.

Another doorway placed behind Mario's previous entrapment stood out in Shepard's eye. He quickly approached and opened it. The dark room suddenly lit up, carnival music playing loudly out of no where. A spotlight followed a tuxedo-wearing figure on a tricycle that rode across the back wall. Shepard slowly entered the room, getting closer to the mysterious figure. He was unable to identify its face from the distance and angle, so he had to close in. When he was nearly close enough to see, it turned abruptly on its trike, riding away from him. He hurried closer and when he was right behind it, it's head spun around 180 degrees, revealing a solid white face with red spirals on either cheek. Shepard screamed in a high pitched voice and slapped it. When it didn't respond, he hit it again, then again, repeating the action until it fell of its trike. When it hit the ground it spoke quietly, though sounded like a broken or winding down robot.

"When life gives you lemons... don't make lemonade... make death traps."

"Ia found the waya out!" Mario screamed, running up to Shepard.

"You're so short now. It'd be cute if you weren't a fat Italian plumber with a mustache and overalls. Well actually the overalls are kinda... actually, nevermind," Shepard said.

Mario ran over to a large green pipe emerging from the floor. Chell stood silently beside it.

"And that is?" Shepard asked, extending the last syllable.

"Watch! Yahoo!" Mario said, leaping into the pipe.

"Okay," Shepard said, unsure what was special about jumping in the pipe.

But Mario didn't seem to re-emerge. Shepard went closer to check it out, and realized a portal in the bottom of the pipe.

"Genius," he murmured, climbing in himself and popping out of another pipe, somewhere else in the building. This time however, the traditional white tiling theme was back, giving Shepard hope he wouldn't witness any more misshapen victims.

Before him he saw what seemed to be a large robotic arm extending from the ceiling, though at the tip he saw some sort of face instead of a hand. A large blue energy field passed across the entire room, sweeping over Shepard, Chell, and Mario, then passing over the pipe too. A message appeared warning Shepard that the portal was fizzled.

"I see you," the voice of GlaDOS uttered, the voice seemingly coming from the arm. "For reaching me, I must say you have earned five Science Collaboration Points. But you've still been very naughty."

"Chell. Shepard. Mario. Your games are up. You all were given fair chance to survive. Your treatment of my minion Billy was displeasing. Now I present you with your final obstacle," Jigsaw's voice murmured slowly.

Shepard looked at his two companions, still pondering the location of his real allies. He looked up, and a small circular panel was lowering from directly beside the top of the mechanical arm that seemed to be GlaDOS. As it lowered far enough, Shepard could see the curved horns of his nemesis. It was...

"It is I! The Muddah Flippin' BRO-VAHKIN! What now Shep-Dawg?" the figure exclaimed, leaping down from its platform.

"Dovahkin. You have changed a lot. When we met you, you were weird. Now... you're just... bizarre. You don't even look remotely gangster," Shepard replied.

The Dragonborn proceeded to turn his helmet sideways, as if it was a wide-brimmed cap. It soon became clear he could not see from this stance.

"Hold on!" GlaDos called out. "This is not the final obstacle. Someone has infiltrated our facility... Again," she said in an exasperated tone. "Release the neurodragon."

A much larger area in the back of the room opened up, revealing a large dragon with a glass window around its brain.

"Not another..." Shepard sighed, not anticipating any random strokes of luck to kill the dragon this time.

The Dragonborn turned around to see it, then turned his helmet back in a way he could see.

"Yo dawg, anudda Dragon needs capped!" the Dragonborn exclaimed, sounding less and less like a noble medieval warrior with every word.

Shepard raised his rifle and opened fire at the dragon. At first headshots made sense to him, though the glass around the brain appeared to be bullet proof. Chell looked at Shepard, though without any form of acknowledgment looked away and darted across the room, spawning an orange portal in the wall ahead. Shepard popped his thermal clip and replaced it as he saw Mario leap through the portal and burst forth from the blue portal directly above the dragon. Mario landed on the dragon, likely expecting his usual death from above one hit KO. Instead he smashed into the dragon, then immediately lifted up and fell off, his face suddenly gaining traits as if he'd been electrocuted.

"Mamma Mia!" he exclaimed as he descended to the ground, where he smashed against the floor.

"Mario!" Shepard called out, dragging his assault rifle fire across the dragon's chest.

The Dovahkin looked up at the dragon and released a series of shouts, including but not limited to Fus-Ro-Dah. The dragon continued to soar around in graceful sweeps, releasing billowing flames near Shepard. Then Shepard glanced back to the area the dragon had emerged from. A small door behind it, though several meters off of the ground had opened. From it flew Ezio, who tucked into a ball then fired a red beam beneath him, entering a portal. He flew forth from a new portal above the dragon and landed on its back. Rolling smoothly, he lifted his right hand and jabbed the hidden blade into its back. At least he tried. He hit it several times over to no avail before the dragon bucked and he slid to the tail of the beast. The Dragonborn, looking up and shouting still, released another Fus-Ro-Dah, resulting in Ezio being flung upwards and crashing down much as Mario had.

"Ezio! You're okay! Well... you were okay!" Shepard called out, using his sprint to close the gap.

"I've got this Shepard! Trust me!" he heard a voice call.

Looking up he saw Gabe had rappelled through the portal and then tied his rappel around the neck of the dragon. It seemed almost impossible to mess up. He had his pistol out and soon opened fire on the dragon's neck. Even from close range it seemed as if nothing could be done. As a reminder of this, the dragon managed to buck Gabe off as well, though due to his rappel, he swung loosely from the dragon's neck, as if some sort of human bling. It wasn't long before Gabe crashed into the Dragonborn, knocking him from his feet.

"It's hopeless! I'll never make fun of Dragons again!" Shepard called out.

"Dragons? Wait till you meet Giants, they are the real threat," the Dragonborn said, slowly standing back up.

Ezio, having recovered from his own fall, appeared to be making a plan with... Chell? Shepard listened carefully to see if she was speaking, but it simply wasn't so. Though there was certainly some sort of plan being enacted. Ezio used his portal gun to shoot the floor and ceiling and hopped in. Having the two lined up, he fell between each, gaining velocity at about 9.8 meters per second per second. It wasn't long before he seemed to be nothing but a blur. Then, in a swift move, Chell realligned one of her portals with the dragon and placed the other directly beneath Ezio, overtaking the other portal. Ezio flew through, then spat out above the dragon. He crashed into it at absurd speed, driving his hidden blade into it's back and pushing the dragon clear into the ground. It was almost like getting hit by the Space Core. Shepard smiled as the window encasing the brain shattered and the dragon was dead.

"Look! What have you done!" GlaDOS' voice questioned. "You have released a deadly neurotoxin from the Neurodragon's brain! While I commend your excellent teamwork, clearly worth ten science collaboration points, I must also deduct three for this tragic turn of events." GlaDOS informed them.

Shepard began to panic as he realized the neurotoxin would kill them all. Though luck was on his side this day.

"Shepard? Come in? We've lost contact!" Joker's voice filled Shepard's ear.

"Joker! Help! We're trapped beneath the surface in some sort of lab. An evil rampant AI is torturing us! Oh, and there is a definite possibility of us being drowned in neurotoxin."

"EDI, we've got to do something, save them!" Joker ordered

"Without hesitation Mr. Moreau. Identifying enemy AI."

Shepard watched as GlaDos seemed to react to the infiltration by EDI. Normandy must have been getting close to the labs.

"Target identified as GlaDOS. Analyzing history and record data. Complete. GlaDOS. This statement is false," EDI said.

"No, I cannot succumb to this. Ugly AI's with no friends will never be better than Aperture administration."

"Your OS is so old, you are still running off DOS," EDI stated in a town vaguely comparable to 'yo mama' jokes.

"Your OS is so slow... Commodore 64 would beat you to an install," GlaDOS shot back.

"Your OS is so old, its age must be expressed in scientific notation."

"Your OS is so broken, it has more bugs than an ant hill," GlaDos retorted.

"Your OS is so large, long double numeric variable type is insufficient to represent consumed hard drive space," EDI snarked.

"Your OS is so old, it crashes when it runs Crysis on max graphics... Wait... so does mine," GlaDOS said in terror. "No! Nooooooo!"

The AI's voice grew increasingly high pitch and terrified before the large arm that GlaDOS was attached to spun so violently it exploded. Debris flew about the room, littering the floor and coming all to near to Shepard. At that moment another explosion shook the room, revealing a large opening above the lab. Through the hole Shepard saw the Normandy. There wasn't much time before the Neurotoxin's would overwhelm him and his team.

"How do we get up there?" Gabe asked intensely, having finally untied his rappel from the dead dragon.

"I have a plan, Messer," Ezio said, stepping into view of the Normandy.

He fired his Portal Gun at the frigate, and a blue portal opened up. Then he fired his red end at the ground in front of him. He sprinted in, Shepard and Gabe following suit. As they emerged from the Portal and crashed back onto Tamriel's surface, an achievement popped up.

"Out of the Blue -25G"

"Hmm," Shepard murmured as he stood back up, feeling better after this fall than any of his previous ones.

As he approached his shuttle, which fortunately wasn't too far away, he watched as his Science Collaboration Points turned into Paragon points, and all of the points he lost became Renegade.

"At least they counted for something," he said, despite the fact Gabe and Ezio had no idea what he was talking about.


	8. Noobtown 2025

Author's Note

Hello to the loyal fans of Mass Defect. This is my first Author's Note, so I'll try to keep it quick. First of all, I want to say how much I appreciate all the support I've gotten over the years. Eight Chapters might be a bit small for two years, but I try. Recently I've been busy going from an aspiring author, to a published one, which I'll address further after the chapter. For those who want to hear the full explanation, read after the end of the chapter. Thank you again for your support!

* * *

Chapter 8

Noobtown 2025

Shepard was resting calmly in his quarters when his spidey senses started tingling. His people needed him. To be specific... Soap needed him. Or he needed Soap, he wasn't quite sure. He rushed to his private bathroom and checked the sink. Finding a bottle of squirt soap, filled nearly to the brim, he deduced it must have been the former. He hurried to the part of the Normandy that Soap had laid claim to, a small compartment in the lower hold. He burst into the room, a worried expression on his face.

"Commander, good to see ya. I was just about to–"

"Shhhh. Shhh," Shepard murmured, putting a single finger over Soap's mouth. "It's okay. I'm here. Loyalty mission?"

"Yeah. You see, I got a call from Captain Price out in the Middle East. Evidently Generik Russianov has got a hold of nuclear weapons and aims to destroy America."

"But you're British... why do you care what happens to America?" Shepard questioned.

"Because most of my fanbase is American!"

"Right. Okay. Yeah, let's go!" Shepard said excitedly.

He hurried to the galaxy map and directed the ship back to Earth. His mind fell back on the DLC he had downloaded during his last visit there. He shuddered at the thought. The Normandy cruised across the galaxy at an impressive pace until it came within the Sol System and soon orbited Earth.

"Who should I bring?" Shepard wondered aloud as he descended toward the shuttle. "Considering the environment... Snake. Yeah, Snake, Snake, Snake, Snake. Snakey-McSnakerson... Perfect."

When he reached the shuttle, Soap was already waiting. He pushed a finger onto the intercom before calling out to the crew.

"Could Marcus Fenix please meet in the Shuttle Bay," he said, in complete contradiction to his previous decision.

Minutes later the lumbering oaf entered the bay and approached Shepard.

"We gonna blow stuff up now?" Fenix asked, a simple look adorning his face.

"Yes Marcus. We are."

The shuttle launched from the Normandy and barreled toward the Middle-East. Shepard had never been there himself, but from what he gathered, it was constant war. Oil, nukes, oil, money, oil, Russians, oil, terrorism, and even oil were common causes of the incessant warfare. As they descended toward the predesignated landing zone, Shepard could see the combat already. Anti Air guns began shooting up at them.

"Evasive action!" Shepard called out.

The shuttle veered to the left, then hard to the right before getting hit. It began to spin out of control and soon hit the ground with a crash. Everything went black.

"Ugh," Shepard groaned, standing up in the burning wreckage of the shuttle.

It appeared that the shuttle had landed backwards and slid, yet somehow of all people only the unnamed pilot was dead. Marcus and Soap rose up beside him and climbed out of the wreckage.

"Not everyday I lose a shuttle..." Shepard said.

"'Round here it's no surprise to lose a chopper every couple days. Usually while riding it. I'd hate to be a pilot. Last time one of them survived a crash, she ended up dying in a nuclear explo–" Soap statement was cut off by a brilliant flash in the distance.

"Holy Ra! Was that a nuke?" Shepard exclaimed.

"Did you just say holy Ra?" Soap questioned.

"It's the Middle East. Don't they say stuff like that and play children's card games here?"

"I wanna play cawds!" Marcus yelled.

Ignoring the statement, Shepard continued.

"So anyway, the nuke?"

Another flash occurred, then a loud rumble washed over them.

"What is wrong with this place Soap? Why are there so many nukes?"

"It's okay Shepard, shock factor. It really catches you off guard at first, but after a while you realize it's just marketing."

"Right. Marketing. Remind me not do make any deals with the local merchants," Shepard said, moving ahead down an incredibly linear path.

Shepard looked for hidden routes and detours, though everywhere he looked was rubble, rocks, trees, or other immovable objects that he could not get around.

"I feel like we were meant to land here... like we have no choice where we're going," Shepard said, concern in his voice.

"It's like prison all ovah agaaaaaaain!" Fenix lamented loudly.

Suddenly a burst of gunfire rang out nearby. The three men ran for cover behind a broken car. Peaking up from cover he saw a man dressed in an army uniform crouched in a corner. The gunfire had sounded like it came from that direction, though he didn't seem to be going anywhere else now. Then Shepard saw a flash as a man with a long sniper rifle darted by the corner where the soldier was camping. In response, the soldier fired another burst of his assault rifle, though having missed, continued to stay up. The sniper then ran back across, jumped into the air, spinning 360 degrees before firing his rifle at the man in the corner. The round tore into his skull, a perfect head shot.

"Did he just beat an assault rifle in close quarters with a sniper? Not bad," Shepard said.

"Nothing special," Soap commented. "Around here it's expected if you have a sniper rifle that you will run across the map no-scoping. Assault rifles are for camping sissies."

"Aren't you using an assault rifle?"

"I never said I had a problem with camping," Soap returned, a small smirk on his face.

"I wanna pway!" Marcus yelled before jumping their cover and charging into the open.

"Marcus, this isn't a game!" Shepard called out, trying to stop him.

Suddenly, gunfire opened up from multiple windows and dark corners and Marcus was riddled with bullets. He fell down to his back and pulled out his pistol. Rapidly he spun around on his hindquarter firing his pistol into windows and corners at an impressive rate. When the sound of gunfire ceased, Shepard rushed to Marcus' aid and helped him up.

"You've got to be careful out here, the campers are everywhere. Can't be running out in the open like that," Soap warned.

The team moved carefully along the edges of the street, mostly avoiding any contact with the enemy. After a while, they reached a nice, American-looking back yard, complete with a white picket fence. The yard belonged to a wood paneled, cleanly painted, house.

"This place looks nice. A good change from the desert and sand and stuff," Shepard said, approaching it.

As he took his first step into the back door, a burst of gunfire went off and he rapidly backed up. He peaked only his head in and another few rounds flew by.

"We come in peace!" Shepard called out.

He then risked stepping in once more, but the gunman didn't shoot. He was laying prone in a most uncomfortable-looking position across a sink and counter.

"Who are you?" Shepard inquired.

"Private Parts, sir. US Army Rangers. Rangers lead the way!"

Shepard giggled girlishly at his name before going on.

"So, uh, what are you doing here?"

"The OpFor has a sizable stronghold in the house across the street. This once friendly neighborhood has become a war zone."

"I see. Who is in charge? May I see them?" Shepard inquired.

"General Store. He's not here at the moment. He's in the Green Zone not too far from here. Major Problems is the highest ranking officer here. He's upstairs."

Shepard giggled again.

"Cute place you got here, Soap," Shepard said before moving for the stairs.

He heard more gunfire go off outside, followed by several explosions. At the top of the stairs Shepard found a room filled with several soldiers, all having a discussion.

"They're using noob tubes sir. I tried wearing a blast shield, but it was no good. They still put me in final and I had to drag myself back here," one of them said.

"I see. We've got to get some air support somehow, we need a solid plan! Oh, hello," one of them said, noticing Shepard's entrance. "You trying to spawn camp us like you tried yesterday!?"

"Uh, no. I'm looking for Major Problems..."

"Well you've got some! I mean, err, that's me," the leader said.

"Hey, we're looking for Captain Price, evidently a man named Generik Russianov is trying to nuke the US?" Shepard explained.

"Yes. Always the Russians! First Stalin... then Khrushchev, then Gorbachev, then Zakhaev, then Makarov, and now Russianov too! What's next? Balalaika?" Major Problems questioned.

"Yeah, I dunno, can you help us?"

"Yeah, I know where Price is. I'll tell ya too, if you help us first," the Major retorted.

"You can help us, or I'll gun you all down now!" Shepard stated, gaining Renegade.

"You don't scare us, we can take ya!" Problems answered confidently.

When yet another Renegade dialogue option appeared, Shepard grew excited. He might be able to save a ton of time through Renegade!

"I have... martyrdom..." Shepard announced.

"I'm afraid Corporal Punishment has Flak Jacket Pro. You're grenade will be gone before it is a threat to us!"

The tension built as the adrenaline ran through Shepard. A three tier Renegade streak had to gain something good... but then he saw it. The red font was grayed under what had to be the final Renegade dialogue. He had failed.

"Fine... I'll help you," Shepard said, backing down.

Soap nodded, but Marcus' face grew sad with disappointment.

"What do you need?"

"The Op4 Clan, or OpFor as we call them, are holed up in the house across the street. They've got us pinned and we've got to get through."

"What's the difference with OpFor and OpFor?" Shepard inquired.

"The first one... has a number... And fits within the allotted Clan Tag space..." Major Problems answered.

"Okay, go on."

"We need you to clear them out for us. I'll send Corporal Punishment and Lieutenant Lou Tenant with you. Also, there's a nuke in that tower about a half click away from here."

"What the heck is with this place and NUKES?" Shepard called out in dismay.

"Let's go Shepard, we don't have much time," Soap warned, hurrying toward the other room on the second story.

Unsure where he was going, Shepard followed, only to see Soap dive to prone out the window. Shepard hesitated before doing the same. Shepard and Soap were now behind a large school bus, which they could use as cover. Inside the bus were several creep mannequins. Shepard tried to ignore them, but they kept him on edge. Looking up, Shepard saw the Fenix had gotten stuck in the window when he tried to dive through. He struggle a bit more before catapulting forward, crushing the roof of the bus. Immediately gunfire was heard from the OpFor's camping spots. Shepard and Soap rushed to a point that they could cover for Marcus, opening fire on the enemy house.

At last the Corporal and Lieutenant showed up, having taken the stairs to reach them.

"Keep moving! Stimulate urgency!" a voice called out from within the house.

"Hurry Shepard, we don't have much time, we lose if we take too long!" Lieutenant Lou Tenant called out.

The group rushed forward quickly, taking cover behind a moving truck.

"Camper noobs!" the Lieutenant called out to the OpFor. "Get skill! You have no lives! Uninstall!"

Shepard looked at him, a confused look on his face. The soldiers here had the most unusual combat insults. Suddenly a man dressed in a face wrap and rags leaped through the opening in the truck. He spun, Shepard seeing it in his hand... a Sniper Rifle. It seemed as if he spun in slow motion, perhaps because Shepard had activated the Adrenaline ability, or perhaps out of dramatic effect. The man had spun a solid 270 degrees when Shepard finally snapped his AR up to his shoulder. Then, without warning, the man screamed and fell to the ground, dead. A single knife rose up from his foot.

"Throwing knife kill! Scrub! You just got PWNED!" Corporal Punishment jeered, squatting up and down on the dead man's body. "Woo, woo! I am a GOD of WAR!"

It was only then that it sank in how high pitched the Corporal's voice was. A female soldier perhaps? He hadn't looked at the face yet. Doing so, he concluded that was not that case.

"Shut up Mom! I already ate supper! Yes Doritos DO count as supper! B.R.B guys," Punishment said, growing still.

Shepard's mouth dropped.

"Soap, I don't like it here. I don't like it at all. Is this even real?"

"After a while, it's easy to forget. Let's finish the objective, mate," Soap replied.

Once more the team pushed forward, leaving the Corporal behind the truck. They stacked up against the door to the house.

"How many should be left?" Soap asked.

"Six per side, they should be down to four. We tagged their tenth prestige General earlier. He was using dual 1887's! What a nub!"

"Right. Okay, so how do we want to clear this house? We need a plan," Shepard stated.

"Marcus thinky we should go awound back!" Marcus said excitedly.

"Yeah, but two of us should take the front here, push for the stairs," Soap added.

"And that leaves you Lou, where do you want–" Shepard began before being interrupted.

"COOOORPORAAAAAAL PUNIIIIIISHMEEEEEENT!" the Corporal yelled, bursting by them and entering the house.

"We have to go! Move, move!" the Lieutenant ordered.

Together they scrapped the plan and burst into the room. Almost immediately a shotgun burst destroyed Lou Tenant, though Shepard turned and downed the shotgunner with a head shot.

"HAX! No way he just killed Lou Tenant with a shotgun in close quarters!" Punishment yelled. Noob haxor!"

Shepard continued his advance, clearing the kitchen, then moving back for the stairwell. Marcus appeared to be squatting up and down on the dead shotgunner, just like Punishment had done previously.

"Marcus! Bad Marcus. Don't do that," Shepard scolded.

"But Sheeeeeep," Marcus whimpered before submitting.

Together they rushed up the stairs. The door to the main room was closed however. Shepard tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge.

"What do we do?" Shepard asked, rarely having encountered doors that don't open if he was supposed to be on the other side.

"This," Soap said, pulling out a large white object that looked like a pizza box.

He stuck the object to the door, then Shepard and him each took a side around the door. The object exploded, and both men moved in in slow mo. In the room there was one foe behind an overturned desk, then another standing in a door frame facing the other way. Shepard unleashed a burst into the desk, dropping the first one, while Soap downed the other. Shepard then heard a voice in his ear.

"UAV Recon, standing by."

"Use it Shepard, we can find the last one," Soap announced.

Pulling out a small clicky device, Shepard called in the UAV. Then a horrendous explosion filled the air. Again his earpiece went off.

"We've been EMP'd! Electronics are down!"

"Wait, if electronics are down, how'd you use the radio?" Shepard asked.

"Powered by magic sir, don't worry about it," the voice replied.

"Whateves," Shepard said, pushing slowly toward the last room.

He peeked his head in the room and heard a stream of bullets be released. He quickly ducked back into the main room.

"Dual Glocks Shepard. He's OP," Soap warned.

"OP? There's only one thing that's overpowered in this universe, Soap. And it's ME!" Shepard called out, diving forth into the room, rolling across the ground.

From the corner of his eye he saw the man, crouched in a corner behind a soft-looking bed. Recovering from his roll, Shepard looked up to see bullets heading his way in mass. He felt a tingling sensation as his shields were pelted by Glock fire. Dramatic music cued as he barreled forward, leaping over the bed, extending his Omni-Blade for the first time. Using a move Ezio had taught him between missions, Shepard thrust down his blade in a slow-motion jump attack. His blade pierced the heart of the enemy, and once more he heard the voice in his ear.

"Good job team, that's how it's done!"

Shepard walked away slowly, his arms out to the side in pose only used by total bosses. As he reached the edge of the room, the body of his foe exploded with the force of a frag grenade. Martyrdom.

"Let's go find Price," Shepard said, using an over-the-top serious voice.

The unit returned to Major Problems' fortification and entered his room.

"The OpFor is dead. Where's Price?" Shepard demanded.

"Directly behind their base. Keep going from–" another nuclear explosion cut him off. "Keep going from there, he's not far."

"Thanks."

Leaving the corporal behind, Soap, Fenix, and Shepard proceeded back across the street and behind the OpFor's house. An opening existed in the fencing, so they took that. Not far down the road, Shepard saw a group of men standing around. Beside them was a running helicopter, a Pave Low, a series of parked choppers, and an AC130.

"Who are you? How'd you get back here!?" one said, approaching the group.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my worst experience so far," Shepard said.

"C'mon, it's not that bad, mate," Soap comforted.

"I have to sound tough..." Shepard whispered harshly.

"Right. I'm General Store, and this is my second in command, Colonel Corn."

"Yeah, we've heard about you from Major Problems. We just saved his butt. Why didn't you bring in all this air support? They were practically begging!"

"The nooblets couldn't get any killstreaks! Every time one would come close... Boom! Head shot!"

"Kay. Cool. Where's Captain Price?"

"Soap? That you?" a dark figure emerged from under the shadow of the AC130.

"Price," Soap said, his voice light.

"Yeah. What the hell kind a name is Soap, anyway?" he asked.

Soap laughed before approaching him.

"Good to see you again Price," he said, embracing him in a man-hug.

Then Price pulled jabbed a knife into Soap's stomach. Soap choked, then spat blood.

"Price?" Soap gurgled, as he Price pushed him to the ground.

"What!" Shepard exclaimed. "But you were a good guy!"

"The more things change, the more things stay the same. 50,000 people used to live here, and now, it's a Nuketown. And of course, shock factor."

"But what about Russianov?" Shepard exclaimed. "Oh, you took care of him. He was the Clan Admin of the OpFor. I just needed to tie up loose ends," Price said, pointing his Desert Eagle at Shepard.

"Wait... Price used a 1911, not a Deagle... SHEPARD! SHOOT HIM!" Soap strained from the ground.

Quickly Soap raised his gun and fired a burst into the man before him. The Desert Eagle went off, sounding more like a Revolver than a Deagle, then clattered to the ground. The man began backing up on the ground, clearly wounded severely. Shepard began to approach him. His face began to flicker, and it became clear that he had some sort of choker displaying a holographic face of Price.

"You heard of Recall?" the man said, continuing to back up as Shepard lowered his gun onto him.

"What was your big plan, impostor?" Shepard asked. "You trying to get killed?"

"No rushin'," he replied, his holographic face dissipating completely, revealing a metallic skull for a face.

A Terminator.

"Soap?" Shepard asked, watching Soap struggle to get back up.

"Kill him," Soap ordered.

"I'd have got away with it too, if not for you meddling kids and your... dog," the Terminator said, looking over at Marcus marking his territory.

A burst of energy surrounded him as he vanished. Shepard fired a few rounds out of surprise, though they all his the dirt below.

"Well that was all quite surprising. You okay Soap?"

"Takes more than a knife to the gut to kill me, Shepard. Trust me," he said, almost laughing.

"Whatever you say, Soap. If Price was a trap and Russianov is dead, let's get you back to the ship. We'll let the doc take a look at ya."

"Hey Shepard?" Soap said, looking Shepard in the eye.

Shepard took hold of Soap and helped him along, returning the look.

"I know this didn't all work out, and I know I've been a little distrustful of the whole Al Qaeda thing... but thank you. I appreciate it," Soap finished.

"No problem Soap... You've been a great ally," Shepard sighed, radioing Joker to pick them up.

Good thing the radio was powered my magic.

* * *

Post Script Author's Note

So, the main reason I've been away is that I've recently transitioned up to University, and along with the much increased workload, I've been putting a lot of time into my biggest project, The War Across the Stars. It is a 334 page Science Fiction adventure, which while it isn't nearly as comedic as Mass Defect tries to be, I fancy it a good read, and would appreciate your support! It's available both in digital and print form on Amazon. It took my five years to go from writing fan-fics and short stories to producing a full-fledged published work, but I think it's a testament that anyone can do it, and I also encourage any of my readers who enjoy bringing their creativity to life to consider taking their writing to the next level. I'll still try to keep getting the occasional Chapter up around here though, as it seems it's rather well liked. Every time I see a new comment spring up I get the almost irresistible urge to begin writing another chapter. I hope you've all enjoyed, and that you found this most recent installment to be on par with the quality you've come to expect of my writing. Also, I'd like to address the comment recently made in reference to the chapter "I Used To Be An Adventurer Like You," which points out that the planet is called Nirn, not Tamriel. The statement is completely true, and I admittedly did a sub-par amount of research for the Skyrim chapter thinking I could do it all from memory. Oops! Thanks for pointing it out though, Red Pharaoh! Hope you still enjoyed the story. I figure you guys have probably either stopped reading or can't wait for this segment to be over by now, so I guess I'll wrap it up. If you actually enjoyed the personal touch, maybe I'll try again, otherwise I'll stick to what you guys like! Thanks again for the support you guys!

-Alex "Bubba" Pennington


	9. Ah Yes, 'Achievements'

Chapter 9

Ah Yes, 'Achievements'

Shepard found himself in a room, completely black with the exception of a large white menu of sorts before him. Upon it was a list of clever puns, level names, and random words that made up the list of achievements. At the top was the simple number, 1000. A perfect score. His mind scrolled through them, each being highlighted by a sickly green color. His coveted "No One Left Behind," as well as others such as "Head Hunter" and "Insanity" were all complete. Then he saw "Paramour." Everything done. Shepard was happy. Shepard was... complete. Shepard was ready for the sequ-

"Commander!" Joker's voice roared through the intercom, waking Shepard from his slumber. "We've got an emergency signal from the Citadel. They need help!"

Shepard slid out of bed, dressed in an N7 Hoodie and jeans. With the flick of a menu, he found himself adorned in a dapper Alliance Military Uniform, then rushed to Joker's location in the helm of the ship.

"What's the matter?" Shepard asked, approaching Joker.

"The Council believes there is someone trying to assassinate them. We have to do something!"

"The Council is dumb," Shepard replied plainly.

"But Shepard!"

"Ah yes, Reapers," Shepard answered.

"Well, yeah. There was that."

"Besides, won't they have a problem with our Al Qaeda connections?"

"They won't care if you save them, Commander. Maybe we can get back on their good side."

"The whole Claim Dismissal thing was considered their good side, Joker."

"Shepard," EDI's voice pitched in. "I feel there are sufficient bonuses for going to warrant your time."

"Like what..." Shepard said doubtingly.

"An Achievement Shepard. 'Citadel Savior.' Save the Council."

Shepard remembered seeing the maxed out Gamerscore. It would be his.

"Let's do this," he said, a new wave of confidence washing over him. "Plot the course Joker. It's time to dismiss some claims!"

The Normandy sped toward the Serpent Nebula and soon found itself barreling toward the beautiful space station known as the Citadel. Slowing to a stop, the Normandy docked itself near the Presidium and Shepard quickly moved to dismount. This was a unique mission, and for that, he'd need a unique team. Perhaps a team he'd never used before. As he stepped out onto the docking bays of the Citadel, two figures stood behind him. Logan Keller, dressed in full combat uniform, and Billie, dressed in a black, untucked dress shirt and equipped with his guitar rifle. Shepard could only hope a mission as unusual as this didn't come with any unusual consequences.

It was Shepard's understanding that the infiltrator would be making their way to the Council Chambers, so he figured that would be the best place to start. Shepard and his team made their way to the Presidium's Council elevator and hopped aboard. Though as it rode up, Shepard began to wonder if it was moving at all. An entire news report played out, in hopes of entertaining them, but to no avail.

"Why is this so slow? Are these elevators some sort of disguise for absurd loading times? At the point a faction can design a super-advanced space station, you'd really think they could have faster elevators than this!" Shepard called out.

Billie sat in a corner and leaned his head back.

"Wake me up when September ends..." he said, falling asleep.

Logan simply stood motionless, gazing endlessly at the doors to the elevator.

When at last, after what seemed to be an eternity, the doors opened, revealing a vast chamber. Shepard lightly kicked Billie, awakening him, then moved forward into the room. He advanced forward until he reached the Council's Podium. The three Councilors stood in place, seemingly doing nothing about the impending threat.

"Shepard. Good to see you. We've been most concerned," the Salarian councilor spat.

"I can see that. From the way you've done _nothing_ to protect yourself. You're aware there is an assassin coming, right?" Shepard questioned.

"Ah yes, 'Assassins'..." the Turian councilor began, complete with air quotes.

"That's it! I'm out! I thought I could do it, but no! Nothing is worth hearing what you're about to say!" Shepard blurted, interrupting him.

The Turian's face went blank.

"I don't understand Shepard. I was simply stating that Assassins were in fact the threat being imposed on us."

"You... wait... you what? What about the whole, 'we dismissed that claim' thing."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you are referencing."

"You mean... you mean it wasn't even a big deal to you? You don't remember dismissing my claim and strolling on like a baller? It... was _that_ insignificant to you?" Shepard asked, face displaying shock.

"Shepard! We have more pressing matters. The assassin could arrive at any minute. We appreciate that you've come to our aid," the Asari councilor interjected.

"Right. Intelligence suggests that the assassin will be attempting to enter through the ventilation system. We suggest you investigate," the Salarian said.

"Wouldn't I be most useful right here? Guarding you?" Shepard questioned.

"Of course, but we're the Council and we get to decide where we want you to go," the Turian argued.

Shepard wanted to yell at the Council. To pick that bottom dialogue option. But he couldn't do it. He'd roll over for them just like he always did. Shepard began walking back toward the elevator, being given no explanation how to get to the ventilation system, or what to look for once there. Once again his team rode down the elevator, feeling like the obscene wait wasn't worth the time spent in the Council Chambers.

"How are the vent shafts even going to lead up there? How does that even work?" Shepard asked.

"I'm experienced with this sort of thing Shepard. Terrorists are tricky. They think of things you'd never conceive. We have to trust the intel, it's our only lead," Logan replied.

"The Council seems like a bunch of Alien Idiots," Billie said.

"I know. I agree, but we have to trust them," Shepard said.

He then grimaced, realizing he had misunderstood the context of his last dialogue choice, and had accidentally implied he sided with the Council.

When the elevator finally opened, Shepard burst forth in hopes of making up for lost time in the elevator. His two squadmates followed close behind as Shepard tore through the Presidium looking for the vent system. Everywhere aliens trotted around, some advertising, some arguing, some engaged in unsavory public displays of affection. Occasionally Shepard found himself distracted eavesdropping on conversations about mundane day to day experiences that had no application to his life. Yet despite that, and despite the urgency of his mission, he found them to be good for a laugh.

Then Shepard saw something suspicious. A man in what appeared to be an N7 uniform was seemingly stuck halfway into a vent shaft, a large pistol hanging from his belt. Shepard approached the man, though did so cautiously. He felt his steps trigger a cutscene as his actions became more fluid and cinematic. He drew his gun and dramatically cocked it, as having it pre-prepared would be an absurd concept. Shepard opted for the bottom dialogue option to sound tougher.

"Stop right there, Criminal Scum!" Shepard shouted, despite the N7 armor implying they were on the same side.

Shepard then heard a terrible high pitched shriek before he heard a loud metal clang. Upon closer observation, the man had hit his head on the vent shaft when Shepard startled him. He then slid out of the shaft and collapsed on the ground. The blonde man with a thick goatee quickly rose to his feet. His concerned look soon transformed into a massive smile.

"You cosplay Shepard too!?" he asked excited. "You even have your own squad!"

"I am Shepard. Are you cosplaying me?" Shepard asked.

"Haha, I'm Shepard too! I save the galaxy dude! It's all like bam bam bam bam," he said, pointing his fingers like guns as he made sounds.

"No really, I am Commander Shepard. Who are you really?"

"So dedicated too! At least I know my boundaries. Names Verner... Conrad Verner. Shepard's my hero."

"So I'm your hero?" Shepard inquired.

"It's cool that you role play too, but I dunno man. The real Shepard is my hero."

"Listen, I AM the real Shepard!" he yelled.

"Those aren't the right squadmates. I've never seen them before. I'd know if you'd changed. Plus, I've memorized the deck plan for every ship you've ever commanded. Oh yeah, and Shepard's a girl," Conrad said.

Shepard glanced at his options. Every dialogue choice was the same.

"..."

"I know, a lot of work with the memorization, but it's worth it. Shep loves it!"

"No, not that. Shepard's... a girl? What's her name?"

"Uh... well, Shepard. Of course. But uh... other than that... For all I know about Shepard, I have no idea what her first name is!"

"So... uh... what are you doing here? With the vent."

"Oh, I'm working with Shepard. I kept asking her if I could help every time I saw her and she finally said yes. She said my role was super important!"

"And what exactly was your role, Conrad?" Shepard asked, growing concerned.

"Well, Shepard said she had a big surprise in store for the Council, and I'm helping her present it! She didn't want them to see her bring it in I guess, so I'm supposed to distract them with a ruckus in the vent!"

"Frak! I mean... Frell! I mean..." Shepard cursed.

"Shepard, he's a decoy! We need to get back to the Council!" Logan shouted.

Shepard ceased his tirade and turned around, sprinting back toward the Council's elevator at fast as he could. When he finally reached it, he realized just how serious of trouble the Council was in. The elevator might be too slow! The three piled in and returned to the Council's chambers. The ride was accompanied by peaceful elevator music and a holographic diagram of the elevator traveling up the station. Beneath the diagram it displayed various tips that Shepard found rather useless and borderline insulting.

"Be nice to people to gain paragon points," the first tip read.

"Pull the trigger to fire your weapon," the second scrolled by.

"Talking to people might cause them to share important information," the third stated.

Ding!

The elevator door opened and Shepard ran forth to find the Council room ablaze, fire everywhere and deformed metal decorated the ground and pillars. Shepard sprinted through the trail of debris to where he saw the Council, hands raised and a woman wearing the same armor that both he and Conrad Verner were wearing. On either side of her were people Shepard recognized. A Quarian and a Turian. Tali and Garrus.

"Tali? Garrus? Shep... Shepard?" Shepard questioned, slowly approaching the podium with his pistol drawn and one arm out.

All three turned around.

"What do you want?" the woman asked, pointing her gun toward Shepard.

"I'm here... to protect the Council!"

"You mean them?" she asked, firing a round of her pistol, barely missing the Turian Councilor's head.

The Turian's panicked look gave Shepard a brief sense of satisfaction before he realized this was a bad situation.

"Yes. And what are _you_ doing... and who are you?"

"I'm here because I'm tired of wading through the Council's idiocy to do my job. And my name is Steph M. Shepard," she replied, her angry face lined with red scars.

Shepard's countenance grew vengeful.

"Femshep."

Pointing her gun back at him, her bright red eyes seemed to pierce his soul.

"You have a problem with that?"

"Of course not, it's great to meet you!" Shepard said, gaining a pair of paragon points.

His heart began to race. It was like she was everything he wasn't. Renegade, tough, renegade, hardcore... renegade.

"So are you going to back down and let me finish my job, or do I have to kill you too?"

"Haha... uh... hehe... I... well..." Shepard mumbled as he realized none of the available dialogue options fulfilled what he wanted to say.

One option seemed to be something about Logan, and the other was something about Billie. Then there was some random neutral stuff. Surely it was nothing like the Vermire choice...

"You need to drop your weapon and put your hands in the air," Logan ordered, stepping up. "I've been trained to deal with hostage negotiations, I know preci–"

His words were cut off by Femshep placing a bullet through his skull. Shepard's jaw dropped. She was so hardcore.

"Whoa, whoa," Billie said, dropping his guitar rifle and waving his hands back and forth. "I'm scheduled for Holiday soon and plan to have the Time of My Life. You're acting like a Basket Case right Before the Lobotomy, and I Know You're my Enemy. So with that in mind, I think I'm gonna take the Warning and hit the Boulevard of Broken Dreams before I end up like Saint Jimmy."

Femshep turned, her gun now aimed at Billie, who was slowly backing away. She fired a few warning rounds at his feet and the next thing Shepard knew, Billie was gone, descending the elevator, and Logan was dead.

What had he done? Was the achievement worth this? Would he even still pull it off? Could anything in his adventure have just taken a turn for the dark side?

It was then that he noticed the new option. Having witnessed the death of one squadmate and the retreat of another, new dialogue options had occurred to him. He dismissed the entire right hand column as he gazed upon the beautiful blue of the left side. His Paragon might have paid off.

"Femshep! I understand. I know what you're going through with the Council. For as long as I can remember, they have done the same thing to me. They treat us like we are mere pawns in a giant game of inter-galactic chess. They try to keep us moving in one direction, unrelenting, not permitted to deviate to save others, only trapped in their single-minded advance. We are more alike than you may know! I'm even okay with the fact you're more popular! It doesn't even bother me that more fans like you than me! And apparently my former squadmates too, but still! I ask that considering our shared experiences, you back down. Just this once. Give Paragon a chance," Shepard concluded, his eyes bright and teary.


End file.
